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10) If a gardener died and went to heaven, would it pretty much be Pandora?

9) What would porn look like in IMAX 3D?

Do the Omaticaya mate with their little blue ponytendrils?

7) Who would win a staring contest between Col. Miles Quaritch and Sauron’s Eye?

6) How much blue paint will sell the week of Halloween 2010?

5) Is Avatar the biggest budget film ever made without a single discernible product placement, and will there be a Pandoran location of McDonald’s in the sequel?

6) Am I the only one who is weirded out by how big that girl-alien was compared to “Jake-soo-lee” when she cradles his human form like a tiny infant? Hello, Amazonian woman fantasy much, James Cameron?

5) How is it possible that Sigourney Weaver was more attractive as an alien than a human? Especially with that 80′-style cutoff red top. Retro-alien hot.

4) At some point or another in his life, James Cameron must have come across something that he has reacted to by calling it “too weird”. What the HELL must THAT thing have looked like if the stuff in Avatar is normal to him?

3) Was everyone else also envious of the flying stuff and wish they could be flying on those dragony things too? (Ikran?)

2) How many times is normal for a man to cry in a movie? Not counting Titanic.

1) If they found enough Unobtainium so that they had lots and lots of it for everyone, would they change its name to Easilyobtainium?

If, like yours truly, you’re starting to get a little worked up for Tuesday night–but know there’s almost no way the final season can satisfy–here’s a nice collaboration from the Fine Brothers and Rhett & Link that sums those feelings up nicely.

For the record, Charles Widmore is the Archangel Gabriel, Claire abandoned Aaron because Desmond accidentally hypnotized her, and the whole island is the dream of a giant space turtle.  That’s my best guess.  I defy you to come up with something more logical.

It’s a known fact. Girls just don’t like us nice guys. Look at Ducky, for example:

Nicest guy in the world. But who ended up making out with Molly Ringwald in the parking lot after Prom? THIS GUY:

No doubt, it sucks to be us. It sucks real, real hard. But at least we have the self-righteous knowledge that it’s the fact that we are SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL that turns women off. We are the best guys in the world, and if these stupid airheads don’t appreciate every facet of our incredibly complex personalities, that’s their loss, right?

So what defines a real tried and true nice guy? A nice guy enjoys a myriad of conversation topics, such as how girls don’t like nice guys, how nice guys always seem to finish last, and how no one will ever love them enough to make the dull ache of loneliness go away. What kind of woman would reject such a nice guy in favor of some overly-confident tool with a full-time job and his own car? Women are so superficial.

Being the phenomenally kind and generous human being that I am , I’ve devised a helpful quiz below to help you figure out whether or not you’re a legit NG. Good luck! (See what I did there? I’m being nice again! Jeez, I just can’t help myself!)

The Nice Guy Quiz

1a. Do those bitches just overlook you because you’re a good guy?
1b. Come on, really, you can admit it… they do, don’t they?
1c. Doesn’t that just piss you off?

2a. Is that whore (let’s call her Brenda) ignoring you because she’s stuck on some asshole (let’s call him Carl)?
2b. Isn’t Carl’s stupid face too small for his stupid body?
2c. Don’t you just want to watch him die?

3a. Do you cry often?
3b. Shouldn’t Brenda be comforting you as you cry on her front lawn?
3c. Shouldn’t she understand how tortured and special you are, and stroke your hair just like mom used to?
3d. Isn’t mom great?

If you answered “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re TOTALLY nice! Jeez, you’re a great guy. What’s wrong with those whores? Right? We’d treat them like gold if it weren’t for those restraining orders. Ugh. This world we live in makes me sick.

If you did NOT answer “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re probably one of those stupid guys who thinks they’re nice because they’re, like, caring and shit and treat girls well. How’d you get a girl to treat well, huh? How’d that happen? You must have gotten that girl BECAUSE WAY DEEP INSIDE YOU’RE ACTUALLY AN ASSHOLE. WE KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS, BUDDY, AND YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. You make me sick.

If you did not answer “Yes!” to ANY of these questions… someone is probably keying your car right now, you better go check on it. (Ignore any bomb-like devices that you might see strapped to the bottom of the car. Just go stand close to it for the next forty-five seconds.) (I hate you, Carl.)

Hope this was helpful.

In the wake of this month’s serious tragedy in Haiti, it’s hard to make light of anything. Lives were lost and a great deal of people are still suffering. Yet, in the face of all this, extreme right-wing personalities simply can;t help but make a sad comedy of themselves.

This week it was Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson. Limbaugh pretty much said Obama was happy about the Haitian tragedy and was opportunistically and enthusiastically using it to gain popularity with blacks (like he needed that). Robertson says the earthquake (and all of Haiti’s other problems) happened to Haiti because they made a deal with the devil to get rid of Napoleoon in the 1800’s.

Now, I don’t like to get too political, especially with comedy, but this felt too absurd and too offensive for me to swallow. I dealt with it the only way I knew how: instead of getting mad, I made fun of them. I decided to leave a comment under the article, nestled amongst all the comments by Rush and Pat’s confused supporters. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe it was inappropriate, but whatever, I did it, so here is the comment I posted:

Hello. I’m Basree Natchanga-Pataroo. My friend call me Basree Natchanga-Pataroo. I know this Rush Limbaugh from when he made comment on the black quarterback Donovan McNabb of team Philadelphia McEagles. He seems to not think that media and public are fair with issue to do with black people’s. Maybe he is part right that what you call white guilt happens, but maybe also he doesn’t willing to buy his dinner from a black man owned store or shoe shops.

This other man, Robertson, believe more in God. He says he knows what is right and wrong, and about the devil. How can he know these things? I know maybe he believes them, but one time my cousin Harir belive one strap of galool tree leaves around his arms could make him fly and he fell down Nattarong Gorge and has dead. Just believe not make it so. So, I think writer here maybe has a point about both man, Rush and Pat. The important is mostly to help all the Haitian who have no food, no water, no peace while these man complain on their show about their own ideas that help no people.

Thank you considerably, B. Natchanga-Pataroo

Politics and humor mix poorly, and tragedy and humor mix even worse so I apologize if this offends anyone nearly as much as Robertson and Limbaugh offended my sense of human decency.

But regardless of how you feel, there are still a lot of people who could use our help. Use your help.

If you have a moment, please consider going to www.hopeforhaiti.com .  It’s not often we can make so big a difference with so little effort, and just a momentary click of a button.

www.hopeforhaiti.com