So here it is. The WeWriteFunny blog. Once-in-awhile products re-brand. Coca-cola had their success with New Coke, and why can’t we do the same?

At the next Brevity meeting I will be proposing the following….

WeWroteFunny.com
This really takes the writing pressure off! No need to bring anything funny. We sure did WROTE funny, din’t we, fellas? But we don’t have to do it no more. Thems the past.

WeWillHaveWrittenFunny.com
This helps me feel better about the writing I haven’t even done yet. It will be great, I promise, just as soon as I have done it! There is the potential of future funny, but only if ANOTHER action happens first! Which brings us to…

WeWillWriteFunny.com
This is the step necessary for WeWillHaveWrittenFunny.com to exist. It’s a pretty big hurdle though, because it involves actual writing, and, well, funniness and stuff. I’m freaking out!! I can’t do it!!

WeCouldWriteFunny.com
The conditional is SO nice! It relieves your stress of, you know, performing. It even suggests maybe it’s not that we can’t write funny, but that we don’t WANT to. Like, we *could*, if we FELT like it. But we don’t. Doesn’t mean we won’t suddenly write some HILARIOUS shit out of the blue. Don’t nap, or we COULD take you by surprise with chortling phatness of comedy.

WeAreWritingFunny.com
It’s happening. Right now. As we speak. We just can’t show you yet, cuz we’re not done. Oh shut up. Stop complaining. These will be *free* laughs. You can wait. You want ‘em sooner, ya gotta be a paying customer.

WeHaveWrittenFunny.com
It’s happened before, so it MAY happen again. It’s a proven fact that we have done it. Now we are resting on our very small laurels. Resting until the time comes when comedians are feted like feudal lords! Given wine, women, and song. Well, fuck it, I can do without the songs but just wine, women and even more wine and women! And some kielbassa.

YouWriteFunny.com
A blank page and blinking cursor. You wanna laugh? Then write something. C’mon. Make *yourself* laugh. Tell a joke. C’mon. Whatsamatter? Oh you want US to make YOU laugh! Lazy bastard. See? Comedy ain’t so easy.

WhoWritesFunny.com
An ad for writers to come join our evil brigade so that we may belch forth black, odious comedy sputum over the web land of people’s mindesses. Douche bags (not *you*, though if you thought I meant you, it says something about your self-image), fey goblins, sexual prancing. None of these have to do with comedy, but I enjoyed typing them.

***Bonus one I couldn’t fit into this post cuz I wasn’t a good enough writer, so I’m slapping at the end like meat on the outside of a sandwich:

WeScribedJocundly.anon (too hip. oldies won’t get it)

If you have great new re-branding ideas for WeWriteFunny.com, please find better things to do.

If your boss or spouse walks in and sees any of these filling the screen to sounds of ecstasy, there’s pretty much no good explanation.

7) Inflatable or Vacuum

6) Vintage. Not like 19070′s, 60′s or even 50′s… like 1920′s vintage porn. All sped up lookin’, without sound and lots of swirling boas.

5) Furry. You know, people dressed as cartoonish half-animals. You know. Right?

4) Where they bathe in noodles. Noodle-porn.

3) Doesn’t look good when you’re caught enjoying anything which features household products covering people’s heads: saran wrap-face, paper-bag head, etc.

2) “That thing with the lemons.”

1) Grannies with Trannies

Stick to nice normal porn, like bondage, schoolgirl costumes, and the occasional feather-tickling and you should be fine.

Monty Python gets a lot of credit for being one of the funniest comedy groups in history, but the website  www.aaaugh.com also credits them with what it considers to be “The World’s Worst Joke”.

From Monty Python:

Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!

What do you think? Worst ever?

If you have a worse joke, please let us know. We love to hear things we don’t enjoy.

Some advertising guy somewhere must have really loved pop-up books as a kid, because when he got older he invented pop-up ads. These are the intrusive, obtrusive ads that open windows on your computer, blocking your screen so you have to consider buying their product.

My question is, why don’t pop-ups sell things I want? Who is wasting the massive amounts of money trying to sell things none of us obviously want. I mean, I close all my pop-up ads. Doesn’t everyone? Testosterone. FICO scores from irreputable banks you’ve never heard of.  Virus Software ads with no way to close the window other than a hard reboot. Gambling. Sex. Weird products. That’s all you get.

Can’t I get a pop-up offering me a 50% off sale on televisions from BestBuy? Or maybe Mercedes Benz has a buy-one, get-one-free weekend. That would deserve a pop-up. Even a pop-up about donuts from my local donut store would make me happy.

The thing is, I see so many useless products pushed at me in pop-ups that my resolve is weakening. I need help or else very soon I may actually buy some of these things.

A  set of imitation horse-hair men’s wigs?

Sure, why not.

A supply of special freeze-dried nibs from some South American bush, guaranteed to change mind/body/soul by 40%?

Here’s my credit card number.

Bouquet of fleshy, latex ‘realfeel’ calla lillies?

Gotta have ‘em!!!

You can see how it becomes addicting. There’s a rush to buying something you don’t need at all. just today I was asking myself what would happen if you replaced testosterone which wasn’t missing in the first place? We’ll find out in 6-8 weeks, I guess.

Anyways, I’d love to talk more, but a very intriguing window just opened and it asked if I like money… Do You Like CASH?

Yes, sir, I DO!!!

I used to love when I typed a website too quickly and made a spelling mistake. Homail. Gogglw.com yagoo.com and so on (instead of hotmail.com , google.com, yahoo.com). Fun.

Invariably the internet would show me some weird catch-all website that listed categories of every noun that existed along the left (vesse, produce, letter openers, pajamas, Vatican, parasail), with a generic photo of an Asian and Caucasian in J. Crew-ish clothes on the right. Sometimes it would be a hiply-dressed person near (not always on) a computer and lots of financial services options in the menu. What was exciting was the surprise pairings of photo and strange categories (none of whose links led anywhere).

I’m still not sure how these scammy-looking redirect pages made money. They weren’t real websites. They didn’t look real. If you clicked on the links they just took you to another page with similar lists. They never seemed to link to any actual information or things you could buy. But *someone*, *somewhere* was paying operate these weird pages that were spelled one-letter off of other famous websites.

What was funnier was that they’d figured out that their target demographic was bad spellers. Maybe bad spellers were more likely to click links that led to other fake pages. Bad spellers must be dumb. I guess I am occasionally dumb, then, when I am in a rush or sleepy and can’t type properly.

Sadly, history has moved on and these types of pages are mostly extinct. The smart internet and the smart companies on the brilliant internet actually do a better job figring out which website you wanted. Now if I type homail.com or gogle.com it still takes me to the right place. So sad and disappointing. We are losing the element of adventure, surprise and randomness which made the internet an exciting NEW frontier in the 199-0s and early 2000′s. The wild west is becoming tame.

Like a baby who no longer talks ‘cute’, the internet is losing the charm of it’s early years as it grows into young adulthood. I, for one, will forever miss the sign of generic pages with one wrongly-spelled letter.

There is only one left, like the dodo bird… go enjoy it while you can, world!!!!

www.yotube.com

You’re welcome.

Everyone knows farts are funny. We discover that as kids. A brother or sister farts, everyone giggles and says “Ew.” As we get older it becomes even less appropriate and more embarrassing to be the farter. This inappropriateness and embarrassment is part of why we find farts so funny.

The other part is that they are a bit bad. They smell bad. It’s a poor experience to have, smelling another person;s gas. That said, it is not a grave, tragic event like a car accident. It is just bad enough to be funny, like falling on your ass when slipping on a banana peel.

So, we have social embarrassment and ‘pain’ (in one of its milder forms.

There’s another factor: universality. Everyone farts. Everyone, rich, poor, big, strong, weak, from any country i the world, farts. Farts have no language. They unite us, by remind us of our common humanity. A poor and rich man will share a chuckle over a small ‘toot’. This is mainly true when farts are accidental. When a person farts on purpose, it’s simply viewed as crass, not amusing.

And yet, many reject all fart humor as sophmoric. I suppose it is childish, but we all harbor that inner child, even as adults. It’s why we titter if a politician lets a little fart escape as he gives a speech. Of if a beautiful female model lets out a loud “Thhhhhbt” as she struts down the cat walk. Both the model and politician are funnier farters because it maximizes the social inappropriateness factor. In both scenarios there is an incongruity between when it is acceptable to fart, and the situation into which the fart was introduced (important speech in public, or on a catwalk as one looks sexy).

There is something in the frailty of man that we see inherent in the fart. Our imperfection and mortality is on display in a benign way that’s not too scary for us to handle, so we laugh at it. We laugh at the nodding understanding of the truth that we are all just farting, imperfect animals.

Farts aren’t just funny, they are perhaps one of the highest and basest expressions of mankind. We are all one. We all fart.

Shaker dumbells