WeWriteFunny» Joe K.

Pros and Cons of Dating a Cat Lady

Joe K. — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 13:00:55 +0000

Every guy will probably date at least one Cat Lady in their lifetime. That’s a statistic I just completely made up, but it’s absolutely true. Sometimes ya just find out way too late that the girl you’ve been dating owns 10 cats. Sometimes she hides her hive of cats really well and you don’t realize you’re knee-deep in Cat Ladyness until it’s way too late. And sometimes you just like cats and eventually become overwhelmed. I submit that dating a Cat Lady aint all that bad yo, but just in case you’re on the fence, here are some pros and cons to consider before you decide to press onward or break up with the Cat Lady:

PROS

1) Cat Ladies can talk to animals (cats, usually)

If your Cat Lady girlfriend can talk to ALL animals, then this is very useful if you’re ever lost in the wilderness. However, if she can only talk to cats (which is usually the case), then this trick is utterly useless unless you’re lost in a pet store.

2) Cats can be used as transportation

The more cats the better when dating a cat lady. If she has 40 or 50 cats, then hop right on the furry little critters and have them carry you around town like a meowing magic carpet. Cats can usually climb walls and fly, so a cat carpet can be more efficient than a cab or even one of those flying chinchillas.

3) The Cat Lady and her cats might be nice enough to show you their cat kingdom deep below the earth’s crust

WARNING: Usually when they show you the underground cat kingdom, you’ll either be forbidden to leave or be sworn to secrecy. Personally, I can’t keep a secret, so usually I pass on the cat kingdom. But, hey, maybe living in furry darkness is your thing. Oh and you’ll also be expected to toil away in their kitty cat salt mines if you choose to stay underground.

4) Cats can be used as a food supply during an extreme emergency

Some cats are useless–any Cat Lady will tell you that. And thems good eat’n if a snow storm or earthquake makes food retrieval impossible. Don’t eat cats in front of the other cats…

5) Cat Jamboree!!!! WEEEEEEEEE

Quick! Pick up a banjo and play along! Dance with the cats! Dance, I say! Don’t just stand there! You’ll insult the cats! Cat Jamboree!! Weeeeeeee!!! (or WEEEEEEEEE, depending on the Jamboree).

CONS

1) Your Cat Lady girlfriend will probably attempt world domination at some point

What do you do with 100 cats, the ability to talk to cats and an insatiable appetite for the slavery of all mankind? You construct a volcano island secret base and try to take over the world. You’ll be expected to help out, of course. PFFFT, women. Sometimes they’re soooo annoying and just want you to play along…

2) Aw shoot there poo evewy where and cat poo is icky smelly sticks to your shoe aw shucks poo got in my mouf

Cat poo. Yyyeck.

3) Evil Cats are especially evil and nice cats are a little bit evil

Let me just say that I love cats. They’re awesome. But they’re evil. Shifty eyes. Creeping around everywhere. Petting their knife collection. Laughing a little too hard at the movie American Psycho. Posters of Dexter in their bedroom. Sooooooo evil. Evil. Cats. Short sentences are a weapon of the cats.

4) Your friends will eventually make fun of your Cat Lady girlfriend and your cat lady girlfriend will eat your friends

Just keep your friends away from your Cat Lady girlfriend for as long as possible. Unless you want a fat Cat Lady girlfriend lounging around your apartment with a smug grin.

5) Cat Ladies are actually a pile of highly-trained cats trained in the art of seduction, American English, sex, mathematics, and glue.

Don’t turn your back on a Cat Lady. It’ll be the furriest last decision you ever make.Similar Posts:

Pros and Cons of Dating a Cat Lady is a post from: WeWriteFunny

10 Newly Discovered Ghost Facts Uncovered by Lord Gulrich Standish III

Joe K. — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 13:00:50 +0000

On January 17th 2011, a bored rich guy named Lord Gulrich Standish III led an expedition of 3 other rich guys and a mentally unstable poor guy to the unexplored region of Ghostopolis–a ghost community localized entirely inside of an abandoned amusement park. While shitting his money and time away, Lord Gulrich Standish III recorded over 400 pages of previously unknown facts about ghosts. His photos can bee scene here. The following are 10 of those facts and a brief journal entry from Lord Gulrich Standish III:

1) Ghosts dance until the sun comes up…or their shoes explode.

“I can think of nothing more spectacular than the sun coming up over the horizon, ghouls jiving like they’ve been set ablaze, and the screams of the freshly maimed ghosts echoing down the street…because their shoes have exploded and apparently ghosts feel pain.”

2) Ghosts drive inside out cars, but “inside out” in our terms translates to “upside down”, so in actuality, ghosts drive upside down cars that they wrongfully believe to be inside out.

“I shall never respect a ghost that casually and truthfully refers to his or her car as being “inside out”. It’s just not true. And I’ll fight any man, woman, or child who tries to tell me otherwise.”

3) Ghosts can count really fast when fast counting is needed.

“In one day alone, fast counting was needed 17 times, post haste, and I was surprised to find that ghosts were ready to count at extremely high speeds–much faster than the fastest living counter could ever hope to achieve.”

4) Ghost Saliva is delicious.

“It sometimes takes the help of two, maybe even THREE men, to hold down a ghost, but once you’ve dipped your fist into a ghost mouth, drawn out the rich saliva and slurped it from your palm, I can think of no greater taste on earth.”

5) Walking through walls is frowned upon–especially in front of the Royal Ghost Viceroy.

“The Royal Ghost Viceroy is not one for parlor tricks. On more than one occasion when I tried to glide through a wall (merely to show them I approved of their ghostlyness), the Viceroy smote me with a hickory cane.”

6) Ghosts reproduce by eating the live young of other ghosts

“It’s a common misconception that ghosts reproduce asexually. I’m proud to report that ghosts beget ghosts simply by unhinging their jaw and swallowing a ghost child whole. It takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for a ghost child to fully be digested and turn into a new ghost child–who will probably be promptly eaten upon being born.”

7) Ghosts smell in six dimensions, but that just means that, to ghosts, objects only smell like either paint, burnt toast, or different colored crayons (usually Fuchsia, Aqua, and Indian Red)

“Ghosts are not a politically correct people, and it was a little jarring to learn that they hadn’t discontinued the use or “Indian Red” crayons. They claimed “Indian Red” referred to the redish pigment from India, but that’s just absurd.”

8 ) Ghosts don’t call themselves “ghosts”. They call themselves “ghosts”–pronounced go-hosts.

“They have a distinct and thick accent. It’s very difficult to pronounce “ghost” correctly in their language. I gave up after attempting the pronunciation a couple of times and ignored their disgusted looks.”

9) Ghosts only have four fingers, but they wear false fingers so they don’t accidentally scare the living with their de-fingered hands.

“Freaks. But their saliva tastes like milk from the teat of the gods, so I’ll let it slide.”

10) Ghosts always have tongues, although not all the time and rarely never.

“The rate of tongueless ghosts seemed to increase as my men and I mined more regularly for ghost saliva. Either we were yanking the tongues too hard or they have some sort of defense mechanism that causes their tongue to detach while their saliva is being removed.”Similar Posts:

10 Newly Discovered Ghost Facts Uncovered by Lord Gulrich Standish III is a post from: WeWriteFunny

How to Format Work Emails

Joe K. — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

The business world is quite different from the everyday flim flam. There are unwritten rules to follow and that can make holding a steady job difficult because unwritten rules tend to be unwritten–meaning that you’re either not allowed to say them out loud or that they’re a spooky ghost. If you’re looking for a blog entry about spooky ghost rules for writing emails, go somewhere else. BUT, if you looking for the unspeakable rules about writing work emails, well, keep readering.

Subject Lines — be concise and lie your ass off

The business world is boring and the last thing a businessy person wants to do is read your stupid email. Even if you have some sort of fancy shmancy title like CEO or CFO or President of the United States or Murderer of People That Do Not Read My Fucking Emails. You need to fight their criminal indifference with a subject line that is quick, to the point, and sounds fucking awesome.

Examples:

I’m GIVING AWAY my court-side LAKERS TICKETS

JIM KEYED YOUR CAR–I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

Do you think my wife’s BREASTS are HUGE? PICS INSIDE!!!

Once they’re inside your email–BAM–the first battle is complete. No matter what’s in your boring email, they HAVE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING. Because what if I missed the part about the Lakers tickets? What if I missed where that sonofabitch Jim lives? I’ll kill that asshole.

The Greeting — insult or threaten your reader

Dearest Joe, I would love for you to be my bestest friend and read these client reports and bla bla bla DELETE!!!! Hey Joe, So I reaaaally need you to check out these expense reports and bla bla bla DELETE DELETE DESTROY!!! Joe–By 5pm I need you to bla bla bla fuck you for not greeting me like an ADULT!!! DELETE!!! HATE!!

See? You need to grab a readers attention with some meat. Ya know, some big, tasty steak. And there’s nothing juicier than a lowbrow insult or a borderline illegal threat.

Examples:

HEY MORON — Not a bad insult, but it should get the job done. Put it in all caps so they can’t ignore it.

I crapped in one of your filing cabinets, Bob — Did you? Bob has no clue unless he reads your stupid email. And hell, maybe the clue is in the attached expense report. Sorry, Bob, you just got SAAAACKCKKKKKED

You’re an incompetent piece of shit and I recorded you having sex last night. Read this entire email and RESPOND TO IT or I will email the video around the office! — A super duper double whammy. Why am I a piece of shit? I better find out and–oh snap, you have video of me having sex?? No! NoooOOOooooooooooocrap I need to read this email AND the attached spreadsheet.

Body — make every other paragraph about aliens, zombies, or pirates

Like I already mentioned, business sucks. So break up the monotony with something interesting.

Examples:

1) Keller and Fisher have grown by 30% in the 2nd Quarter and are expected to continue their growth with investments in futures and bonds

Zombies are not scared of water and it’s very foolish to think that you can hide from them on a boat or even by just swimming in a large body of water. They will just walk or float out to you and eat your brains

2) It’s Kelly’s birthday on Friday and to celebrate we’re going to be having cake and ice cream in the conference room.

Aliens have ray guns that can disintegrate you or just burn you slightly–it’s really up to the alien and if he’s feeling particularly generous. You should not make aliens mad because they’ll shoot you with their ray gun.

3) Gang, we’re eating through copy paper. Remember, DO NOT print unless you absolutely need the documents you’re printing.

I had intercourse with a woman that had a wooden leg. She said Yarg when I dropped her off at her apartment.

Closing — either apologize profusely or burn the bridge with one final threat

At this point, your reader is well-informed and either scared or angry with you. This is your last chance to avoid getting fired. Make it count.

Examples:

I love you…seriously, I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you.

I meant every word I said in this email and you better believe I’m going to be waiting for you in the parking lot after work.

Do you have a wooden leg? Let’s meet up at my place later. We can say Yarg together = )Similar Posts:

How to Format Work Emails is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Movie Scenes Where I Want to Warn the Main Characters

Joe K. — Sun, 08 May 2011 07:16:29 +0000

We’re all aware that there about a hundred or so scenes in horror movies where we just want to leap out of our seats and warn the main characters. But if you pay attention, these scenes exist in almost every singe movie, regardless of the genre. I kind of wish I had some sort of machine to transport myself inside of a movie and warn the characters about something. Maybe not something HUGE, but maybe something that would make life easier later in the movie. Here are a few movies where I would readily abuse such a hypothetical machine:

Titanic –first scene with the deep sea research crew

*Joe barges into the cabin where the old lady is about to tell her story*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there, you old hag.

Ship Captain: And just who the hell are you?

*Joe reaches into the old lady’s pocket and pulls out the diamond*

Joe: No time for explanations. This wench had the diamond you were looking for the entire time. AND she was planning on throwing it into the ocean.

Ship Captain: This sounds like treason on the high seas. Per Poseidon’s wishes, we MUST follow the laws of the sea. THROW THE OLD LADY INTO THE OCEAN!

Crew: YARGHHHHH!!!!

*Joe helps the crew toss the old lady overboard and the credits to the movie roll*

Pretty Woman — any of the opening scenes with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts

Richard Gere: Bla bla bla, something something, banter, banter

Julia Roberts: Hahahahaha, bla bla, bla

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Stop. Stop. Richard, you’re going to fall in love with this whore.

Richard Gere: Oh NooooOOOOOoooooOOoooo!!!

*Richard Gere hysterically runs off down the road. The credits roll as he’s beaten to a pulp by a local gang*

As Good As It Gets — “Is this as good as it gets?” scene

Jack Nicholson: What if…what if this is as good as it gets?

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Hey, Jack. Yes, this is as good as it gets. Helen Hunt is as good as it gets.

*Jack Nicholson considers this for roughly three seconds before pulling out a gun and blowing his brains out. Joe sits down at a local booth and orders lunch. He leaves a lousy tip for Helen Hunt*Similar Posts:

Movie Scenes Where I Want to Warn the Main Characters is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Perfect Birthday Gift Ideas

Joe K. — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 13:00:59 +0000

My birthday is coming up, and while I was putting together my 10,000 page Birthday Gift Manifesto, I realized that many of things that I demand–er–want–are things that any sane individual would LOVE to have. So for those of you out there looking for last minute gift ideas for me, or anyone named Joe, here are some ideas.

Mark Summers

No, not as some sort of deranged slave. I would love to have Mark Summers host the entirety of my birthday like the obstacle course from Family Double Dare. I want the whole deal going on–the crowd cheering as I cut myself shaving, the music blaring while I eat my turkey sandwich at the office, and then Mark Summers screaming that time is running out while I’m debating whether or not to wear the same underwear to work the next day. This would easily make for the best birthday EVAH.

Relive Groundhog Day a Few Thousand Times

Some might say that Bill Murray’s character was in hell during that movie. And while I’m inclined to agree, I would most definitely make better use of my time while damned to relive the same lame holiday over and over again. First off, did Bill Murray’s character have any REAL fun in that movie? Any at all??? No. All I’m saying is that I want the chance to memorize a day’s events and then dress up like an elf and scare the hell out of town folk with my knowledge. There’s no way that would get old. Also, I would do other fun things like unscrew shelves at a Walmart and learn how to juggle old ladies. I’m not sure how someone could give me this particular gift, but if it happened, it would definitely be the best birthday EVAH.

A Solid Gold Toilet

I’m almost certain I would never pawn it for cash. But I can’t think of too many things that would lift my spirits like a duke on a toilet made of gold. Having a bad day? Awww, well cheer up, big guy. You’re sitting on a gold toilet!! Life can’t be all that bad, right!? Girlfriend dump you? Awww, sooooo sad. But keep that chin up, skippy–you’re dropping soiled toilet paper into a solid gold toilet!! Huzzah! Life just got a hell of a lot better! Owe well over $750,000 in back taxes? Stop your crying, Forgetty McForgetfulson–you’re perched upon a throne made of solid gooooolllllldddd!! Now finish up that number two and drag that sucker to the pawn shop! A solid gold toilet would easily be the best present EVAH.

Benevolent Underwear

He’d be like a little buddy that’s always there for ya. Cheer’n me up when I’m down, listening to my joke ideas, and giving me surprise presents just for the hell of it.

Underwear: Hey Joe…why the long face?

Me: Huh? Oh, well…I went to Target and they didn’t have the toothpaste that I like in stock. Kinda bummed.

Underwear: Well turn that frown upside down, mister. I’ve got a present for ya!

Me: Wow!! A solid gold toilet!! You’re the best pair of underwear a guy could ask for Undie!

Underwear: We’ll always be friends, Joe. Always.

Me: This is the best birthday EVAH!Similar Posts:

Perfect Birthday Gift Ideas is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Nickelodeon Game Show Regrets

Joe K. — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:00:07 +0000

I don’t have many regrets…at least ones that I’m aware of…

…but one that gnaws away at the creamy peanut butter center inside of my head is that I never managed to finagle my way onto a Nickelodeon game show. I am positive that I would have not only won any game show on the Nick network, but I would have won so handedly that my victory would have caused the other contestants to cry magma tears and for the host’s head to explode on camera (Nick would have aired the exploding head at least once–they were genuine ratings whores back then). Here are just a few of the shows I would have won:

GUTS

This might have been the perfect show for me. At the age of 12, I was in my athletic prime. The other kids hadn’t outgrown me yet, and I had damn well caught up with those puberty prima donna girls. So what was going to stop me from shattering every record in the GUTS arena, stepping over the half-dead bodies of my fellow contestants, swiping the glowing rock from Mike O’Malley and giving that sweet piece of ass, Moira Cork, a big ol’ smooch? Not that fucking ‘Crag Troll, that’s for sure. And certainly not those stingy judges that would DQ a superior contestant to try and satisfy a stupid bet they had made. NO ONE WOULD HAVE STOPPED ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Final Scene of the Show:

Half the arena is on fire–fires that my fast times and inhuman use of the areal bridge have caused. After punching the ‘Crag Troll off of the Agro Crag, I rush down and slap Mike O’Malley with his microphone. I proclaim my superiority to everyone in the building. And as I laugh maniacally, the other contestants melt the stage floor with their magma tears and the head of Mike O’Malley explodes into Gak and Confetti. Moira Cork asks for my hand in marriage and just after I accept, several police officers cart her ass off to jail for soliciting a minor.

Nick Arcade

The level of incompetence displayed on this show always infuriated me. You didn’t need to be that skilled at video games to win, let alone make it into the final round. Most of the skill lied in being able to guess stupid crap like: what type of food (almost always pizza or ice cream) is hidden behind these feathers!? Or…guess how many tomatoes this random street carny can stuff into his over-sized pants!! As long as you didn’t have a partner that was dumb as shit, you were golden. Gohhhhhhhhhhhldennnnn. And then there was the final round–”Mikey’s World” as some coked out exec had cleverly named it. To beat this section of Nick Arcade, you merely had to be able to stare at a TV screen and walk with minimal coordination. If you don’t remember the show…Check out this clip

Final Scene of the Show

My partner is unconscious and lying in a heap in the corner of the studio because I knocked him/her out so she couldn’t screw things up during the final segment of the show. I easily won, because I know how to dodge invisible objects. In fact, I won so easily that the host, Phil Moore, and several Nickelodeon goons confront me like mob thugs before the show has cut to commercial. I make a quick escape after one of the thugs is badly burned by the magma tears of one of the losing contestants and the other thug is incapacitated after Phil Moore’s head explodes into confetti and Gak.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

This show was a crap shoot–an absolute fucking crap shoot. You not only needed an athletic partner, but you needed some brains to get past the story round. The actual Temple was a fuck-a-roo fun house in itself. First of all, A LOT of the trap doors and gadgets didn’t work. I remember episodes where the kids on the show were in tears because they KNEW the stupid Temple was broken. And then there was the temple guards you had to deal with. OHhhhhhhhhhh those Temple Guards. Sometimes you’d think you’d made it half-way through the damned Temple, only to realize that a Temple Guard from the first room had gotten stuck in the ball pit and had to chase you down! Oh, and if you didn’t have two full pendants, you were screwed. Game Over, Palzy, thanks for playing, now get the hell out!

So how am I so certain that I would have won this game show from hell? Simple I would have forcibly been placed on the Silver Snakes team. They had the highest winning percentage out of any team. Clearly, the numbers should be random, but the silver snakes had, by far, the best winning percentage. What does that tell you? The game had ties to Vegas. And if I was on the silver snakes, I had a pretty good chance of coming out on top.

Final Scene from the Show

I’m running for my life out of the temple with the idol. Gunshots are ringing out all around me because Kirk Fogg has a sniper shooting at me.

Kirk Fogg: Somebody stop that little bastard! He’s not supposed to win! I’ve got 10 grand on this damn game!

As I stumble out of the Temple steps, my partner (who was practically useless the entire show) passes out in disbelief. Meanwhile, the other contestants are crying tears of steaming hot magma and Kirk Fogg’s head has exploded all over Olmec’s rubbery face. Take THAT Fogg!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!Similar Posts:

Nickelodeon Game Show Regrets is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Facebook Friend Spammers

Joe K. — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:00:44 +0000

I generally receive a few Facebook spam friend requests every month…or is it week? I get my spam mixed up sometimes. Anyway, I get spam friend requests. I’m not sure if the gals get this crap on Facebook, but I’d say most guys know what I’m talking about. The situation is this: a random hot girl will try friending you. Immediately, many questions fly through your head: Who the hell is this? What did I DO last night? Is she a distant cousin…a very, VERY, distant cousin? Is she a robot from the future sent to kill me and she’s figured out a far superior way of finding me than T-1000 ever could have hoped?

In college I would just friend the girl, assuming that the previous night of partying had led me to the mythical perfect combination of beer, liquor and charm that allows an average-looking guy to fool a hot girl into “temporarily going steady”. Although, as my Facebook wall and email box filled to the brim with pornographic spam, I realized that something was up…and by “up” I mean “amiss” and by “something” I mean “the situation”–and YES, I realize that I’m typing this and I should have just deleted the sentence and clarified. Damn you.

Anywho, I finished about thirty pages of a Hardy Boys book back in middle school, so I consider myself to be a pretty darn good amateur sleuth. I’ve figured out a fool-proof way to sniff out whether this mystery girl is a genuine potential friend, or merely just a ploy to get your personal information.

1) Is this Girl WAYYYYYYY too Hot to be your Friend???

C’mon, be honest. And if you’ve somehow finagled a “no” to this questions, ask yourself this next question: are you serving fast food or unlocking a restroom for this girl in your fantasy situation where this hot girl talks to you? Because those don’t count. If she’s too hot to be your friend, then I’m afraid this is spam.

2) Does She have UNDER 2,000 Friends?

It’s generally a rule that hot girls are fairly popular. The hot girls I’ve accidentally become friends with over the years NEVER have under 2,000 friends. I actually wanted to jack this number up to 10 or 20 thousand, but I have to consider that a hot girl may have just made the switch from MySpace and thus it will take her a few hours to get her friends list back up to snuff. If this girl has fewer than 2,000 friends, this friend request is most certainly spam.

“But Joe! Wouldn’t a Spammer have a lot of friends???”

Clearly you’ve never read thirty pages of a Hardy Boys book. If you had, then you’d be able to understand the mind of a lunatic. A clever spammer will want to avoid detection by keeping a low friend count. Not clever enough, I’m afraid. Good thing for you dim-witted folk that people like me are here to spoon feed you knowledge…delicious, succulent, mouth-watering knowledge.

3) Does She have Nude or Semi-Nude Pictures in Her Pictures Section? Also, Does She Provide Links to Websites with Nude Pictures?

There’s a part of me that wants to give a girl with these pictures the benefit of the doubt, but that part of me usually finds a way to rob me of my dignity several times a week. So, I’m going to have to call spam on this one.

4) Is She from a City that rhymes with either Hoss Legas or Pihammy?

From what I remember from those first thirty pages of the Hardy Boys, people in Las Vegas and Miami don’t have friends. I also remember the book mentioning that if you steal the kneecaps off of a left-handed troll, all of your dreams will come true. All of them.Similar Posts:

Facebook Friend Spammers is a post from: WeWriteFunny