Thanks, Youtube!

Stupid byitch.

…he was definitely not a meathead.

(check out more awful/ridiculous photos at latfh.com)

It’s a known fact. Girls just don’t like us nice guys. Look at Ducky, for example:

Nicest guy in the world. But who ended up making out with Molly Ringwald in the parking lot after Prom? THIS GUY:

No doubt, it sucks to be us. It sucks real, real hard. But at least we have the self-righteous knowledge that it’s the fact that we are SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL that turns women off. We are the best guys in the world, and if these stupid airheads don’t appreciate every facet of our incredibly complex personalities, that’s their loss, right?

So what defines a real tried and true nice guy? A nice guy enjoys a myriad of conversation topics, such as how girls don’t like nice guys, how nice guys always seem to finish last, and how no one will ever love them enough to make the dull ache of loneliness go away. What kind of woman would reject such a nice guy in favor of some overly-confident tool with a full-time job and his own car? Women are so superficial.

Being the phenomenally kind and generous human being that I am , I’ve devised a helpful quiz below to help you figure out whether or not you’re a legit NG. Good luck! (See what I did there? I’m being nice again! Jeez, I just can’t help myself!)

The Nice Guy Quiz

1a. Do those bitches just overlook you because you’re a good guy?
1b. Come on, really, you can admit it… they do, don’t they?
1c. Doesn’t that just piss you off?

2a. Is that whore (let’s call her Brenda) ignoring you because she’s stuck on some asshole (let’s call him Carl)?
2b. Isn’t Carl’s stupid face too small for his stupid body?
2c. Don’t you just want to watch him die?

3a. Do you cry often?
3b. Shouldn’t Brenda be comforting you as you cry on her front lawn?
3c. Shouldn’t she understand how tortured and special you are, and stroke your hair just like mom used to?
3d. Isn’t mom great?

If you answered “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re TOTALLY nice! Jeez, you’re a great guy. What’s wrong with those whores? Right? We’d treat them like gold if it weren’t for those restraining orders. Ugh. This world we live in makes me sick.

If you did NOT answer “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re probably one of those stupid guys who thinks they’re nice because they’re, like, caring and shit and treat girls well. How’d you get a girl to treat well, huh? How’d that happen? You must have gotten that girl BECAUSE WAY DEEP INSIDE YOU’RE ACTUALLY AN ASSHOLE. WE KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS, BUDDY, AND YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. You make me sick.

If you did not answer “Yes!” to ANY of these questions… someone is probably keying your car right now, you better go check on it. (Ignore any bomb-like devices that you might see strapped to the bottom of the car. Just go stand close to it for the next forty-five seconds.) (I hate you, Carl.)

Hope this was helpful.

Dear  Amber,

I’m 25 years old, single, unemployed, and depressed. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. At the end of the month, I’m going to be evicted from my apartment and will be effectively homeless. All of my friends from college have abandoned me, and I’m starting to exude a particularly pungent body odor. I often feel like the world would be a better place if I’d never been born. What resources can you suggest to help me turn my life around?

–Sad and Depressed
North Hollywood, CA

Dear SAD,

I seriously cannot eat any more protein. Like, I’m trying to eat these protein bars? Right? And I can get through, like, two bites before it’s just… waaaaaaaaaaaay too much protein! My boyfriend ordered me a salad with steak on it, I took two bites and told him that I felt like I was giving Ironman a blowjob. He apparently didn’t get the joke. Maybe protein interferes with your sense of humor? Hahaha.

*

Dear Amber,

I recently became a member of a progressive church, and have been delighted to see my faith start to take priority in my life! The members of my congregation have been incredibly kind and welcoming, but I sometimes question the methods of Ultimate GrandMaster _______. I was fine with the animal sacrifices, blood-drinking, and suicide pact (2012, baby!), but recently he’s started asking me to “lie with him” and several other elderly males in the congregation in order for the Alien Spirit Zudzu to implant me with his baby-juice. This, frankly, seems like a little much. Am I just being oversensitive?

–Would Rather Not Be Preggers, Please
Vista, CA

Dear WRNBPP,

So many of my friends talk about going to Katsuya… and I’m like, ugh. I seriously cannot even begin thinking about it. All that food on all those plates? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Blegh. Brrrrrrrrr. Oh God, I’m thinking about it again–I’m going to friggin throw up, I’m going to vomit, I’m seriously not even joking my guts are on the floor.

*

Dear Amber,

Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend having sex in our apartment. I was understandably devastated, and moved out immediately. The trouble is, I’d come to rely on my best friend for a lot in the kitchen (she’s a cheese grater). Last night I tried making pizza without her, and I just didn’t even know where to start. Is it stupid of me to open myself up to getting hurt again by reaching out for her friendship (and MAD shredding skills)?

–Bitch Grated My Soul
Quartz Hill, CA

Dear BGMS,

A few days ago my best friends and I took these really adorable pictures in a photo booth, and couldn’t decide how to split them up. Three of us were dividing four pictures, and I only got one. My fat friend got two. It’s like… Just because you take up 50% of the space doesn’t mean you get 50% of the pictures! Then she wanted to go to Chili’s, and I was so embarrassed for her I thought I might jokingly kill myself. She said she was hungry. Well cue the tiny violins! Friendship is hard.