As my friend group’s sole consistently-attached woman, I’d spent the last five years quietly nursing the idea that I was being creatively stifled by the complacency of being in a decent relationship. My single friends seemed to get all the good material: hilariously awkward blind dates, dramatic break-ups, scintillating sexual encounters with strangers, and general frustration at the Darwinian mess that is dating in LA. My material, on the other hand, involved lots of cuddling, and arguing over whether or not to get the $7.25 special at Palermo again. Because shouldn’t we at least try something different?

Turns out “something different” can also mean “something awful”. Recently reintroduced to the world of the not-romantically-ecstatic, the blinding agony came with one very thing silver lining. At least, I thought, I can use this in my writing.

Turns out, I’m an idiot.

Here’s why:

1. I Can’t Stop Crying

Have you ever tried writing while crying? It looks stupid. I imagined writing with a broken heart to involve a lot of wistful staring and meaningful long blinks with early-millennial Dido songs playing softly in the background. Instead I sob like a red-faced infant and watch old Law & Order: SVU episodes while attempting to keep my computer away from all the tears and snot emitting from my face.

2. Everything I Write is Boring and Also Terrible

He had seven freckles. The third one was my favorite.
-Actual Line From Deleted Blog Post

Here’s the deal. I currently have a one-track mind. I think of one thing. And that thing that I’m thinking about is of no interest to anyone else on the planet. Well. Except for maybe one other person. Do you think he’s thinking these things too? Maybe I should call him. I should call him. He’s probably really sad. I should try and make him feel better. Maybe we could go to Palermo? That $7.25 special is a good deal… OH DAMN IT IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. There are now zero people reading this post.

3. I Cannot Be Left Alone

Writing is a solitary pursuit. I cannot be left alone. A paradox.

4. I Have Verbal You-Know-What. And It Is DARK.

OK. So. If I can get over the foolishness of crying while writing, the fact that everything emitting from my ragged brain is boring and also terrible, and somehow navigate the mind-numbing awfulness of being all by myself… I still have to deal with the consequences of opening the floodgates. And once they’re open… they’re open. They’re open and they are crazy.

And don’t try and tell me that this whole thing is no big deal and it’s all going to be OK. Because you know what, Internet? Not everyone turns out OK. So could we stop pretending that the phrase “It’s gonna be all right” is in any way helpful? Because it’s not. Plenty of people die alone, plenty of people have ungrateful, wretched children and empty, soul-crushing jobs and mountains of debt and I’m sorry: that’s NOT “OK.” Or if it is? If that’s what OK means? I don’t want it. So stop telling me that things are going to be fine when there is absolutely nothing fine about it. Sometimes your boyfriend moves away while you’re out of town for work and you don’t even get to say goodbye. Sometimes you have to give up that perfect one-bedroom on Franklin and Vermont because now you don’t have anyone to share it with. AND THAT IS NOT OK, INTERNET. So stop telling me that this is all going to work out and be fine. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WHY AREN’T I WRITING A NOVEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS? THE LEAST FATE CAN DO IS HELP ME WRITE A NOVEL. #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS.

5. Did I Mention I Can’t Stop Crying?

Here we go again.

See you all in a year or so, when I can behave like a normal person.

In love.

Great example of a great performance and hilarious writing doing all the work… one location. Direct to camera. Deliciousness.

OK. This guy is obviously the best guy ever, and should totally like be my boyfriend omigod.

(Seriously, though… what the hell is the point of Chat Roulette? Is it just for webcam sex? Because it seems like it’s just for webcam sex. In which case I’m sort of alarmed by the three OBVIOUSLY UNDERAGE GIRLS who are hanging around making hearts with their hands for any strange men who happen to whoosh by.)

Also… if you can handle any more awesomeness, you might want to check out this ridiculous Lil’ Wayne / ‘Office’ theme mashup. Ridiculous.

Stupid Byitch.

Thanks, Youtube!

Stupid byitch.