Price is Right Adventure

This past weekend, my friend and I scored some premo seats for the Price is Right. I’ll admit, I have a pretty giant man-crush on Bob Barker, and I did, in fact, cry for several hours the day Drew Carry took over. But I’m over it now and I think Drew is doing a pretty good job, so I decided to go and have a good time.

Now, I know there is a trick to getting on the show. You gotta have a memorable personality and be interesting. I could have just shown up and giggled like an idiot and claim that I watch the show everyday at my nursing home, but I needed to make absolutely sure that I got on that show. So I decided to go dressed up in a costume–Zombie Bob Barker.

I know a professional makeup guy and I'd say he did a pretty bang up job.

So I showed up in costume with my ticket and immediately the Price is Right goons that work the show are not love’n my costume.  They were eying me the minute I walked in the place.  I tried to truss things up by groaning and calling a group of nearby women “My little necrophilic beauties,” by that didn’t go over well.

“Sorry, pal,” some asshole with a clipboard said to me, “we don’t want our audience members dressed in costume.  This isn’t Let’s Make a Deal.”

“It sure as shit isn’t,” I said in my Zombie Bob Barker voice, “now get away from me before I slap you with my replica skinny microphone that I soaked in formaldehyde for three days.”

This little exchange earned me the heave-ho, but when they saw me sob uncontrollably outside in an ally, they said if I came back in normal clothes, they’d let me in.  I literally jumped at the chance and sprinted to my friend’s car for “Plan B.”  I had a hunch that the costume might not go over well, so I had a custom t-shirt made.  I know what you’re thinking, Joe, those t-shirts are soooooooo lame.  Not mine, bitches.

This is obviously not the real thing because mine was confiscated and destroyed...

Seconds after reentering the studio, I was accosted once again by Price is Right goons who deemed my “Bob Fucking Barker Rules!” t-shirt to be inappropriate for CBS.  I really wanted to tell them to go to hell, but my friend kept me calm.  I gave them the t-shirt and in exchange they gave me a sweater that had been left behind in the audience a long time ago.  It said “NANA IS GAGA FOR BAH BAH.”  There really isn’t a comment to top how stupid that is, so I’ll just leave it be.

So finally the show started.  And, honestly, I couldn’t control myself.  I’ve been a huge fan of the show for my entire life, so I just started freaking out–screaming hysterically, whooping and hollering, dancing–you name it and I did it.  At one point, I got too rowdy and accidentally shoved a geriatric woman into the isle.  She fell face-first into the carpet and got a pretty nasty brush burn on her face.  This was the first of several show stoppages.

I received a warning and the show continued again.  I wasn’t picked at first and I was okay with that.  I decided it would be funny if, during the bidding, I started shouting absurdly high or low prices.  I managed to get some guy on contestant’s row so flustered he actually bid my suggestion of one million dollars for a lamp.  During the next round of bidding, I suggested a “Bea Arthur collector’s-edition Diaper” as a bid and taping stopped again.  I was told by a producer to “Cut the crap” or I’d be kicked out.

After that, I was a model citizen.  I sat there, didn’t say a word and just watched the show.  At the mid-point during the show, Drew Carry shmoozed with the audience and singled me out because of my Nana is Gaga for Bah Bah sweater.  The asshole got the entire audience to laugh at me–even that old lady with the brush burn on her face (which had gotten comically swollen and distracted Carry several times during the show).

Carry: Nana is Gaga for Bah Bah?  Interesting clothing choice.

*audience laughs*

Carry:  Did your grandmother make you wear that?

*more audience laughter*

Carry: No, no, I’m just joking.  Actually, no I’m not.  That sweater is ridiculous.

*even more audience laughter*

Me: Pretty funny, Carry.  We’ll see how funny you are after I neuter you with your own glasses!

*Stage Hands grab me as I run down the aisle and escort me out*

Aaaaaaand that was pretty much it for me.  My friend watched the rest of the show while I waited outside and fumed over the fact that people were snickering at me because of the sweater I was wearing.  Maybe I’ll try Wheel of Fortune.  I hear that Pat Sajak is more forgiving if you show up with profanity on your clothes.