Category — Lists

Bus Stops Attract Crazy

When you are standing alone at a bus stop, sometimes things slip out. Thoughts. Things that probably aren;t meant to be blurted out loud, but they are. When people notice you saying this stuff to yourself they think you’re crazy. Here are some of those things you shouldn’t say.

10) If I didn’t WANT bananas, I wouldn’t have BOUGHT bananas.

9) If that shoe hadn’t been stuck up there, then maybe… maybe he woulda had a chance.

8 ) No, I shouldn’t kill people.

7) I look like Lurch.

6) You can’t make me.

5) Fuck you!! (angrily, thinking of a family member or partner who has pissed you off)

4) 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1… (then look at them)

3) Simon waits here at the bus stop like he was told.

2) Lip. Lip….. Lip.   Lip read. Lip r-e-a-d-e-r-s. (long pause) Lips.

1) Heartbeat one. Heartbeat two. Heartbeat three. Heartbeat four. (and so on.)

Bonus Material:

11) Excuse me. (to no one).

12) If anyone asks me to move again I’ll tell them no again.

13) How did I get here.

14) Yip-yip-yipeee! Yet-yet-yetiiiiii!

15) (with annoyance) No one has brought me my frappuccino!

16) Errrm, ughhhm, rrmmrmm devil rrmrmm uhhhmmmm mrrrrmmmm.

17) I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself… (repeat)

18) If no one looks me in the eye it won;t happen again.

19) (if there are only two of you at the bus stop) How are all of us people going to fit on the bus?

20) I like to talk my words.

Avatar Movie Poster

10) If a gardener died and went to heaven, would it pretty much be Pandora?

9) What would porn look like in IMAX 3D?

Do the Omaticaya mate with their little blue ponytendrils?

7) Who would win a staring contest between Col. Miles Quaritch and Sauron’s Eye?

6) How much blue paint will sell the week of Halloween 2010?

5) Is Avatar the biggest budget film ever made without a single discernible product placement, and will there be a Pandoran location of McDonald’s in the sequel?

6) Am I the only one who is weirded out by how big that girl-alien was compared to “Jake-soo-lee” when she cradles his human form like a tiny infant? Hello, Amazonian woman fantasy much, James Cameron?

5) How is it possible that Sigourney Weaver was more attractive as an alien than a human? Especially with that 80′-style cutoff red top. Retro-alien hot.

4) At some point or another in his life, James Cameron must have come across something that he has reacted to by calling it “too weird”. What the HELL must THAT thing have looked like if the stuff in Avatar is normal to him?

3) Was everyone else also envious of the flying stuff and wish they could be flying on those dragony things too? (Ikran?)

2) How many times is normal for a man to cry in a movie? Not counting Titanic.

1) If they found enough Unobtainium so that they had lots and lots of it for everyone, would they change its name to Easilyobtainium?

Crossdresser #1

Crossdressers #2 and 3

Here’s my list of the funniest movies I’ve seen. They are in no particular order. You may disagree with a bunch of them. I hope so, because otherwise I should be in charge of all comedy on the planet.

1) The Hangover

The world discovers Zach Galifianakis. Mike Tyson gets a paycheck.

2) The Jerk

Funnier when it came out and race relations weren’t as far along as they are today. Steve Martin was a singular talent at the time, taking risks no one else would or could.

3) The Big Lebowski

The Dude abides, and so does the staying power of this brilliantly scripted and acted slacker detective comedy.

4) Wedding Crashers

Vince Vaughn at his finest. The script was a great piece of situational structure, a palette across which one of the funniest comedians alive riffed hilariously. But it was much more than just Vaughn. The entire script is great, and every performance.

5) Borat

Phenomenal and unrepeatable. Bruno proved this. Bruno’s shortcomings only made it more obvious how unique Borat was as a piece of in your face ignorantly brilliant social commentary.  Oh, and bloody hilarious.

6) As Good As It Gets

Some of the best dialogue written in years.  When his neighbor’s cleaning lady knocks on the reclusive author’s door and tries to communicate with him in her heavy accent, here is his misanthropic reply:

Nicholson: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City “Sailor wanna hump-hump” bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.

-slams door in her face-

8 ) Caddyshack

A must for rodent-hunting tips. Note that Bill Murray appears twice on this list. Stripes fell just short or it could have been three times.

9) Mrs. Doubtfire

Dual identities. Dentures. And a hot old cross-dressed babe. Hollywood’s formula for success. Don’t believe me? Check out #10.

10) Tootsie

Okay, so no dentures, but again we have dual identities and crossdressing. Maybe it’s a coincidence. Oh wait…

11) Some Like It Hot

Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon are masterful as cross-dressed, dual identity schmucks on the lam from the mob. Marilyn Monroe provides the “Hot”.

12) Beverly Hills Cop

Remember when Eddie Murphy didn;t do talking animal movies? When he was a smart aleck? When he was… funny? This is Murphy in his prime. Perhaps he could revive his career with a good cross-dressing movie, though.

13) Superbad

How long can Michael Cera continue playing awkward teenage geeks? My money is on age thirty being the cut-off.

14) This Is Spinal Tap

Regarding an album cover for “Smell The Glove” being sexist for featuring a woman on all fours, on a leash with a gloved hand being shoved in her face, guitarist Nigel Tufnel responds, “What’s wrong with being sexy?”

15) Fish Called Wanda

Who knew Kevin Kline could be so goddamned funny?? Haven’t seen him do it since, so I guess he used it all up on this movie. Brilliant. Palin and Cleese are their usual hilarious selves.

16) Airplane

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Rumack: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

17) Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie

I laughed so hard the first time I saw this that missed half of the movie. I got the other half of the jokes the second time through. Must have seen this 10 times by now.

18) Groundhog Day

Like something conceived by a Russian absurdist writer, Bill Murray’s deadpan against the magical realism of a chance to live one day over and over until you get it perfect is… well, perfect.

So, folks what great movies am I missing?

1) 826 – Because I Am A Writer Who Believes Literacy Empowers People

“826 National is a nonprofit tutoring, writing, and publishing organization with locations in seven cities across the country. Our goal is to assist students ages six to eighteen with their writing skills, and to help teachers get their classes excited about writing. Our work is based on the understanding that great leaps in learning can happen with one-on-one attention, and that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success.” http://www.826national.org

2) Amnesty International - Because It’s Truly Important

“Amnesty International is a worldwide movement of people who campaign for internationally recognized human rights for all. Our supporters are outraged by human rights abuses but inspired by hope for a better world – so we work to improve human rights through campaigning and international solidarity.” www.amnesty.org

3)  Free The Gnomes! – Because It Makes Me Smile

“Never again shall Gnomekind suffer the indignity of being bombarded with bird feces. Never again should a Gnome be the victim of a careless pizza delivery driver, for there is no greater fear among the Gnomes than that of being crushed by an automobile.” www.freethegnomes.com

FREE HIM!

(Gnome Photo: FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

So, what are your favorite causes? I’m curious.

I’ve made a decision. I am a King. And a King deserves crowns. Lots of them.

I am going to have a crown for each occasion.

What gave me the idea was the old Imperial margarine commercial. In the commercials, an average person sitting at a kitchen table would eat a little Imperial margarine and *ta-daa*, a crown would appear on their head. It was to be inferred by the viewer that the crown appeared because of the margarine (though it may have been the bred that was doing it, for all we knew, as there was more than one variable at work).

Once you realized that margarine meant crowns, you were supposed to run out and buy margarine. (I guess they also assumed you’d infer that only *their* brand of margarine bestowed monarchical headgear… though many poor souls probably assumed that *any* brand could produce a crown. These people ended up with margarine, but no crown.)

Anyways, I never inferred that margarine caused crowns to appear on heads.

I inferred that if you wore a crown you’d feel awesome, like the commercial-actors pretended to feel.

So, today, when I wanted to feel more awesome I decided that I need more crowns in my life. Crowns for every occasion.  I have, thus far, thought of 73 crowns I will have. Here are some of the things I will wear my crowns for….

1) A donut crown.

What it sounds like. I wear this crown whenever I eat donuts. Or a donut. Doesn’t have to be several.

The Famous Kronenburg Cruller Crown

2) Texting Crown

I will wear it when sending my minions messages. Also, when my girlfriend wants to know why I am late and I have to apologize by text.

A high-tech crown is ideal for texting. (Pewter construction may interfere with some carrier signals.)

4) Fancy Crown

I will wear this for feasting and parades or games organized in my honor. Any meal including a side dish (including instant noodles) and a non-water beverage shall constitute “feasting”.

I shall have celry stalks with myne chykn wings, thou whelk!

5) Reggie’s Crown

That’s right Reggie. *I* have it. You were wondering where it was, and now you know. How’s that feel, Reggie? Huh? I have your crown. I have your crown, Reggie! How ya like that!?

That's right, Reggie! That's RIGHT!!!

6) The Unwearable Crown

This one doesn’t get worn.

Don't Even THINK About it

7) The Soy-Substitute Crown

Times have changed, Imperial margarine . This inspiring white wonder is made entirely of soy and it sits perched atop my head while I sup on seitan crisps with  light miso-soy-spread.

More of a Soy Helmet Than A Crown, But I Still Wear It

8 ) The Crown of Tried-Too-Hard

I put this on whenever I have just tried to get someone to like me and failed. It makes an awkward situation even more awkward.

Do You Like Me *Now*?

9) The Crown Of Intellectual Property

I sit high on my mountain, with this on my brow, and laugh heartily. I shall die with ALL my good ideas safe in MY head!!!!

I thought of it first.

10) The Imperial Margarine Crown (because I have always wanted it)

Click the link below to see the crown that started it all!

The Imperial Margarine Crown

Well, that’s some of my list of crowns.  I highly recommend going to get crowns of your own for all occasions, since you can;t have mine (especially you, Reggie).