Category — Lists

On January 17th 2011, a bored rich guy named Lord Gulrich Standish III led an expedition of 3 other rich guys and a mentally unstable poor guy to the unexplored region of Ghostopolis–a ghost community localized entirely inside of an abandoned amusement park.  While shitting his money and time away, Lord Gulrich Standish III recorded over 400 pages of previously unknown facts about ghosts.  His photos can bee scene here.  The following are 10 of those facts and a brief journal entry from Lord Gulrich Standish III:

1) Ghosts dance until the sun comes up…or their shoes explode.

“I can think of nothing more spectacular than the sun coming up over the horizon, ghouls jiving like they’ve been set ablaze, and the screams of the freshly maimed ghosts echoing down the street…because their shoes have exploded and apparently ghosts feel pain.”

2) Ghosts drive inside out cars, but “inside out” in our terms translates to “upside down”, so in actuality, ghosts drive upside down cars that they wrongfully believe to be inside out.

“I shall never respect a ghost that casually and truthfully refers to his or her car as being “inside out”. It’s just not true.  And I’ll fight any man, woman, or child who tries to tell me otherwise.”

3) Ghosts can count really fast when fast counting is needed.

“In one day alone, fast counting was needed 17 times, post haste, and I was surprised to find that ghosts were ready to count at extremely high speeds–much faster than the fastest living counter could ever hope to achieve.”

4) Ghost Saliva is delicious.

“It sometimes takes the help of two, maybe even THREE men, to hold down a ghost, but once you’ve dipped your fist into a ghost mouth, drawn out the rich saliva and slurped it from your palm, I can think of no greater taste on earth.”

5) Walking through walls is frowned upon–especially in front of the Royal Ghost Viceroy.

“The Royal Ghost Viceroy is not one for parlor tricks.  On more than one occasion when I tried to glide through a wall (merely to show them I approved of their ghostlyness), the Viceroy smote me with a hickory cane.”

6) Ghosts reproduce by eating the live young of other ghosts

“It’s a common misconception that ghosts reproduce asexually.  I’m proud to report that ghosts beget ghosts simply by unhinging their jaw and swallowing a ghost child whole.  It takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for a ghost child to fully be digested and turn into a new ghost child–who will probably be promptly eaten upon being born.”

7) Ghosts smell in six dimensions, but that just means that, to ghosts, objects only smell like either paint, burnt toast, or different colored crayons (usually Fuchsia, Aqua, and Indian Red)

“Ghosts are not a politically correct people, and it was a little jarring to learn that they hadn’t discontinued the use or “Indian Red” crayons. They claimed “Indian Red” referred to the redish pigment from India, but that’s just absurd.”

8 ) Ghosts don’t call themselves “ghosts”.  They call themselves “ghosts”–pronounced go-hosts.

“They have a distinct and thick accent.  It’s very difficult to pronounce “ghost” correctly in their language.  I gave up after attempting the pronunciation a couple of times and ignored their disgusted looks.”

9) Ghosts only have four fingers, but they wear false fingers so they don’t accidentally scare the living with their de-fingered hands.

“Freaks.  But their saliva tastes like milk from the teat of the gods, so I’ll let it slide.”

10) Ghosts always have tongues, although not all the time and rarely never.

“The rate of tongueless ghosts seemed to increase as my men and I mined more regularly for ghost saliva.  Either we were yanking the tongues too hard or they have some sort of defense mechanism that causes their tongue to detach while their saliva is being removed.”

If your boss or spouse walks in and sees any of these filling the screen to sounds of ecstasy, there’s pretty much no good explanation.

7) Inflatable or Vacuum

6) Vintage. Not like 19070′s, 60′s or even 50′s… like 1920′s vintage porn. All sped up lookin’, without sound and lots of swirling boas.

5) Furry. You know, people dressed as cartoonish half-animals. You know. Right?

4) Where they bathe in noodles. Noodle-porn.

3) Doesn’t look good when you’re caught enjoying anything which features household products covering people’s heads: saran wrap-face, paper-bag head, etc.

2) “That thing with the lemons.”

1) Grannies with Trannies

Stick to nice normal porn, like bondage, schoolgirl costumes, and the occasional feather-tickling and you should be fine.

Monty Python gets a lot of credit for being one of the funniest comedy groups in history, but the website  www.aaaugh.com also credits them with what it considers to be “The World’s Worst Joke”.

From Monty Python:

Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!

What do you think? Worst ever?

If you have a worse joke, please let us know. We love to hear things we don’t enjoy.

This is a list of Terrible Names for Music Bands. I invented these, so please don;t use them for any actual bands. Also, they are terrible so it’s a bad idea if you want to use them. Then again, look at the success you can have with names  like Lady Gaga, Lady Antebellum, Rhianna, Black Eyed Peas, and Ke$ha. So, maybe you could use these after all….

TERRIBLE BAND NAMES

1) The Proton Jorell

2) Grand-Ninny Funk

3) Whassa-tron

4) Eight Sco-bags and their Sco-bleezer

5) The Pig And The Man

6) The Banjoeers

7) Tight Ukes

Y S Y?

9) Avoid Your Angry Girlfriend

10) Plop

11) Mind The Crap

12) One Note Repeated

13) Yar! (Actually, that one’s kinda good)

14) WTF (that’s kinda good too, actually)

15) The No Refund Band (credit to, I think Deron or Meghan for the idea of an Improv troupe with this name)

Okay…  I’d love to see what you can come up with for bad band names. Any ideas?

Bad Bands Deserve Names Too

Bus Stops Attract Crazy

When you are standing alone at a bus stop, sometimes things slip out. Thoughts. Things that probably aren;t meant to be blurted out loud, but they are. When people notice you saying this stuff to yourself they think you’re crazy. Here are some of those things you shouldn’t say.

10) If I didn’t WANT bananas, I wouldn’t have BOUGHT bananas.

9) If that shoe hadn’t been stuck up there, then maybe… maybe he woulda had a chance.

8 ) No, I shouldn’t kill people.

7) I look like Lurch.

6) You can’t make me.

5) Fuck you!! (angrily, thinking of a family member or partner who has pissed you off)

4) 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1… (then look at them)

3) Simon waits here at the bus stop like he was told.

2) Lip. Lip….. Lip.   Lip read. Lip r-e-a-d-e-r-s. (long pause) Lips.

1) Heartbeat one. Heartbeat two. Heartbeat three. Heartbeat four. (and so on.)

Bonus Material:

11) Excuse me. (to no one).

12) If anyone asks me to move again I’ll tell them no again.

13) How did I get here.

14) Yip-yip-yipeee! Yet-yet-yetiiiiii!

15) (with annoyance) No one has brought me my frappuccino!

16) Errrm, ughhhm, rrmmrmm devil rrmrmm uhhhmmmm mrrrrmmmm.

17) I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself… (repeat)

18) If no one looks me in the eye it won;t happen again.

19) (if there are only two of you at the bus stop) How are all of us people going to fit on the bus?

20) I like to talk my words.

Avatar Movie Poster

10) If a gardener died and went to heaven, would it pretty much be Pandora?

9) What would porn look like in IMAX 3D?

Do the Omaticaya mate with their little blue ponytendrils?

7) Who would win a staring contest between Col. Miles Quaritch and Sauron’s Eye?

6) How much blue paint will sell the week of Halloween 2010?

5) Is Avatar the biggest budget film ever made without a single discernible product placement, and will there be a Pandoran location of McDonald’s in the sequel?

6) Am I the only one who is weirded out by how big that girl-alien was compared to “Jake-soo-lee” when she cradles his human form like a tiny infant? Hello, Amazonian woman fantasy much, James Cameron?

5) How is it possible that Sigourney Weaver was more attractive as an alien than a human? Especially with that 80′-style cutoff red top. Retro-alien hot.

4) At some point or another in his life, James Cameron must have come across something that he has reacted to by calling it “too weird”. What the HELL must THAT thing have looked like if the stuff in Avatar is normal to him?

3) Was everyone else also envious of the flying stuff and wish they could be flying on those dragony things too? (Ikran?)

2) How many times is normal for a man to cry in a movie? Not counting Titanic.

1) If they found enough Unobtainium so that they had lots and lots of it for everyone, would they change its name to Easilyobtainium?

Crossdresser #1

Here’s my list of the funniest movies I’ve seen. They are in no particular order. You may disagree with a bunch of them. I hope so, because otherwise I should be in charge of all comedy on the planet.

1) The Hangover

The world discovers Zach Galifianakis. Mike Tyson gets a paycheck.

2) The Jerk

Funnier when it came out and race relations weren’t as far along as they are today. Steve Martin was a singular talent at the time, taking risks no one else would or could.

3) The Big Lebowski

The Dude abides, and so does the staying power of this brilliantly scripted and acted slacker detective comedy.

4) Wedding Crashers

Vince Vaughn at his finest. The script was a great piece of situational structure, a palette across which one of the funniest comedians alive riffed hilariously. But it was much more than just Vaughn. The entire script is great, and every performance.

5) Borat

Phenomenal and unrepeatable. Bruno proved this. Bruno’s shortcomings only made it more obvious how unique Borat was as a piece of in your face ignorantly brilliant social commentary.  Oh, and bloody hilarious.

6) As Good As It Gets

Some of the best dialogue written in years.  When his neighbor’s cleaning lady knocks on the reclusive author’s door and tries to communicate with him in her heavy accent, here is his misanthropic reply:

Nicholson: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City “Sailor wanna hump-hump” bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.

-slams door in her face-

8 ) Caddyshack

A must for rodent-hunting tips. Note that Bill Murray appears twice on this list. Stripes fell just short or it could have been three times.

9) Mrs. Doubtfire

Dual identities. Dentures. And a hot old cross-dressed babe. Hollywood’s formula for success. Don’t believe me? Check out #10.

10) Tootsie

Okay, so no dentures, but again we have dual identities and crossdressing. Maybe it’s a coincidence. Oh wait…

11) Some Like It Hot

Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon are masterful as cross-dressed, dual identity schmucks on the lam from the mob. Marilyn Monroe provides the “Hot”.

12) Beverly Hills Cop

Remember when Eddie Murphy didn;t do talking animal movies? When he was a smart aleck? When he was… funny? This is Murphy in his prime. Perhaps he could revive his career with a good cross-dressing movie, though.

13) Superbad

How long can Michael Cera continue playing awkward teenage geeks? My money is on age thirty being the cut-off.

14) This Is Spinal Tap

Regarding an album cover for “Smell The Glove” being sexist for featuring a woman on all fours, on a leash with a gloved hand being shoved in her face, guitarist Nigel Tufnel responds, “What’s wrong with being sexy?”

15) Fish Called Wanda

Who knew Kevin Kline could be so goddamned funny?? Haven’t seen him do it since, so I guess he used it all up on this movie. Brilliant. Palin and Cleese are their usual hilarious selves.

16) Airplane

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Rumack: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

17) Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie

I laughed so hard the first time I saw this that missed half of the movie. I got the other half of the jokes the second time through. Must have seen this 10 times by now.

18) Groundhog Day

Like something conceived by a Russian absurdist writer, Bill Murray’s deadpan against the magical realism of a chance to live one day over and over until you get it perfect is… well, perfect.

So, folks what great movies am I missing?