Category — Other Miscellaneous Musings

In love.

Shaker dumbells

I don’t have many regrets…at least ones that I’m aware of…

…but one that gnaws away at the creamy peanut butter center inside of my head is that I never managed to finagle my way onto a Nickelodeon game show.  I am positive that I would have not only won any game show on the Nick network, but I would have won so handedly that my victory would have caused the other contestants to cry magma tears and for the host’s head to explode on camera (Nick would have aired the exploding head at least once–they were genuine ratings whores back then).  Here are just a few of the shows I would have won:

GUTS

This might have been the perfect show for me.  At the age of 12, I was in my athletic prime.  The other kids hadn’t outgrown me yet, and I had damn well caught up with those puberty prima donna girls.  So what was going to stop me from shattering every record in the GUTS arena, stepping over the half-dead bodies of my fellow contestants, swiping the glowing rock from Mike O’Malley and giving that sweet piece of ass, Moira Cork, a big ol’ smooch?  Not that fucking ‘Crag Troll, that’s for sure.  And certainly not those stingy judges that would DQ a superior contestant to try and satisfy a stupid bet they had made.  NO ONE WOULD HAVE STOPPED ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Final Scene of the Show:

Half the arena is on fire–fires that my fast times and inhuman use of the areal bridge have caused.  After punching the ‘Crag Troll off of the Agro Crag, I rush down and slap Mike O’Malley with his microphone.  I proclaim my superiority to everyone in the building.  And as I laugh maniacally, the other contestants melt the stage floor with their magma tears and the head of Mike O’Malley explodes into Gak and Confetti.  Moira Cork asks for my hand in marriage and just after I accept, several police officers cart her ass off to jail for soliciting a minor.

Nick Arcade

The level of incompetence displayed on this show always infuriated me.  You didn’t need to be that skilled at video games to win, let alone make it into the final round.  Most of the skill lied in being able to guess stupid crap like: what type of food (almost always pizza or ice cream) is hidden behind these feathers!?  Or…guess how many tomatoes this random street carny can stuff into his over-sized pants!!  As long as you didn’t have a partner that was dumb as shit, you were golden.  Gohhhhhhhhhhhldennnnn.  And then there was the final round–”Mikey’s World” as some coked out exec had cleverly named it.  To beat this section of Nick Arcade, you merely had to be able to stare at a TV screen and walk with minimal coordination.  If you don’t remember the show…Check out this clip

Final Scene of the Show

My partner is unconscious and lying in a heap in the corner of the studio because I knocked him/her out so she couldn’t screw things up during the final segment of the show.  I easily won, because I know how to dodge invisible objects.  In fact, I won so easily that the host, Phil Moore, and several Nickelodeon goons confront me like mob thugs before the show has cut to commercial.  I make a quick escape after one of the thugs is badly burned by the magma tears of one of the losing contestants and the other thug is incapacitated after Phil Moore’s head explodes into confetti and Gak.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

This show was a crap shoot–an absolute fucking crap shoot.  You not only needed an athletic partner, but you needed some brains to get past the story round.  The actual Temple was a fuck-a-roo fun house in itself.  First of all, A LOT of the trap doors and gadgets didn’t work.   I remember episodes where the kids on the show were in tears because they KNEW the stupid Temple was broken.  And then there was the temple guards you had to deal with.  OHhhhhhhhhhh those Temple Guards.  Sometimes you’d think you’d made it half-way through the damned Temple, only to realize that a Temple Guard from the first room had gotten stuck in the ball pit and had to chase you down!  Oh, and if you didn’t have two full pendants, you were screwed.  Game Over, Palzy, thanks for playing, now get the hell out!

So how am I so certain that I would have won this game show from hell?  Simple  I would have forcibly been placed on the Silver Snakes team.  They had the highest winning percentage out of any team.  Clearly, the numbers should be random, but the silver snakes had, by far, the best winning percentage.  What does that tell you?  The game had ties to Vegas.  And if I was on the silver snakes, I had a pretty good chance of coming out on top.

Final Scene from the Show

I’m running for my life out of the temple with the idol.  Gunshots are ringing out all around me because Kirk Fogg has a sniper shooting at me.

Kirk Fogg: Somebody stop that little bastard!  He’s not supposed to win!  I’ve got 10 grand on this damn game!

As I stumble out of the Temple steps, my partner (who was practically useless the entire show) passes out in disbelief.  Meanwhile, the other contestants are crying tears of steaming hot magma and Kirk Fogg’s head has exploded all over Olmec’s rubbery face.  Take THAT Fogg!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Great example of a great performance and hilarious writing doing all the work… one location. Direct to camera. Deliciousness.

OK. This guy is obviously the best guy ever, and should totally like be my boyfriend omigod.

(Seriously, though… what the hell is the point of Chat Roulette? Is it just for webcam sex? Because it seems like it’s just for webcam sex. In which case I’m sort of alarmed by the three OBVIOUSLY UNDERAGE GIRLS who are hanging around making hearts with their hands for any strange men who happen to whoosh by.)

Also… if you can handle any more awesomeness, you might want to check out this ridiculous Lil’ Wayne / ‘Office’ theme mashup. Ridiculous.