Category — Obsersvational

Some advertising guy somewhere must have really loved pop-up books as a kid, because when he got older he invented pop-up ads. These are the intrusive, obtrusive ads that open windows on your computer, blocking your screen so you have to consider buying their product.

My question is, why don’t pop-ups sell things I want? Who is wasting the massive amounts of money trying to sell things none of us obviously want. I mean, I close all my pop-up ads. Doesn’t everyone? Testosterone. FICO scores from irreputable banks you’ve never heard of.  Virus Software ads with no way to close the window other than a hard reboot. Gambling. Sex. Weird products. That’s all you get.

Can’t I get a pop-up offering me a 50% off sale on televisions from BestBuy? Or maybe Mercedes Benz has a buy-one, get-one-free weekend. That would deserve a pop-up. Even a pop-up about donuts from my local donut store would make me happy.

The thing is, I see so many useless products pushed at me in pop-ups that my resolve is weakening. I need help or else very soon I may actually buy some of these things.

A  set of imitation horse-hair men’s wigs?

Sure, why not.

A supply of special freeze-dried nibs from some South American bush, guaranteed to change mind/body/soul by 40%?

Here’s my credit card number.

Bouquet of fleshy, latex ‘realfeel’ calla lillies?

Gotta have ‘em!!!

You can see how it becomes addicting. There’s a rush to buying something you don’t need at all. just today I was asking myself what would happen if you replaced testosterone which wasn’t missing in the first place? We’ll find out in 6-8 weeks, I guess.

Anyways, I’d love to talk more, but a very intriguing window just opened and it asked if I like money… Do You Like CASH?

Yes, sir, I DO!!!

I used to love when I typed a website too quickly and made a spelling mistake. Homail. Gogglw.com yagoo.com and so on (instead of hotmail.com , google.com, yahoo.com). Fun.

Invariably the internet would show me some weird catch-all website that listed categories of every noun that existed along the left (vesse, produce, letter openers, pajamas, Vatican, parasail), with a generic photo of an Asian and Caucasian in J. Crew-ish clothes on the right. Sometimes it would be a hiply-dressed person near (not always on) a computer and lots of financial services options in the menu. What was exciting was the surprise pairings of photo and strange categories (none of whose links led anywhere).

I’m still not sure how these scammy-looking redirect pages made money. They weren’t real websites. They didn’t look real. If you clicked on the links they just took you to another page with similar lists. They never seemed to link to any actual information or things you could buy. But *someone*, *somewhere* was paying operate these weird pages that were spelled one-letter off of other famous websites.

What was funnier was that they’d figured out that their target demographic was bad spellers. Maybe bad spellers were more likely to click links that led to other fake pages. Bad spellers must be dumb. I guess I am occasionally dumb, then, when I am in a rush or sleepy and can’t type properly.

Sadly, history has moved on and these types of pages are mostly extinct. The smart internet and the smart companies on the brilliant internet actually do a better job figring out which website you wanted. Now if I type homail.com or gogle.com it still takes me to the right place. So sad and disappointing. We are losing the element of adventure, surprise and randomness which made the internet an exciting NEW frontier in the 199-0s and early 2000’s. The wild west is becoming tame.

Like a baby who no longer talks ‘cute’, the internet is losing the charm of it’s early years as it grows into young adulthood. I, for one, will forever miss the sign of generic pages with one wrongly-spelled letter.

There is only one left, like the dodo bird… go enjoy it while you can, world!!!!

www.yotube.com

You’re welcome.

Everyone knows farts are funny. We discover that as kids. A brother or sister farts, everyone giggles and says “Ew.” As we get older it becomes even less appropriate and more embarrassing to be the farter. This inappropriateness and embarrassment is part of why we find farts so funny.

The other part is that they are a bit bad. They smell bad. It’s a poor experience to have, smelling another person;s gas. That said, it is not a grave, tragic event like a car accident. It is just bad enough to be funny, like falling on your ass when slipping on a banana peel.

So, we have social embarrassment and ‘pain’ (in one of its milder forms.

There’s another factor: universality. Everyone farts. Everyone, rich, poor, big, strong, weak, from any country i the world, farts. Farts have no language. They unite us, by remind us of our common humanity. A poor and rich man will share a chuckle over a small ‘toot’. This is mainly true when farts are accidental. When a person farts on purpose, it’s simply viewed as crass, not amusing.

And yet, many reject all fart humor as sophmoric. I suppose it is childish, but we all harbor that inner child, even as adults. It’s why we titter if a politician lets a little fart escape as he gives a speech. Of if a beautiful female model lets out a loud “Thhhhhbt” as she struts down the cat walk. Both the model and politician are funnier farters because it maximizes the social inappropriateness factor. In both scenarios there is an incongruity between when it is acceptable to fart, and the situation into which the fart was introduced (important speech in public, or on a catwalk as one looks sexy).

There is something in the frailty of man that we see inherent in the fart. Our imperfection and mortality is on display in a benign way that’s not too scary for us to handle, so we laugh at it. We laugh at the nodding understanding of the truth that we are all just farting, imperfect animals.

Farts aren’t just funny, they are perhaps one of the highest and basest expressions of mankind. We are all one. We all fart.

My birthday is coming up, and while I was putting together my 10,000 page Birthday Gift Manifesto, I realized that many of things that I demand–er–want–are things that any sane individual would LOVE to have.  So for those of you out there looking for last minute gift ideas for me, or anyone named Joe, here are some ideas.

Mark Summers

No, not as some sort of deranged slave.  I would love to have Mark Summers host the entirety of my birthday like the obstacle course from Family Double Dare.  I want the whole deal going on–the crowd cheering as I cut myself shaving, the music blaring while I eat my turkey sandwich at the office, and then Mark Summers screaming that time is running out while I’m debating whether or not to wear the same underwear to work the next day.  This would easily make for the best birthday EVAH.

Relive Groundhog Day a Few Thousand Times

Some might say that Bill Murray’s character was in hell during that movie.  And while I’m inclined to agree, I would most definitely make better use of my time while damned to relive the same lame holiday over and over again.  First off, did Bill Murray’s character have any REAL fun in that movie?  Any at all???  No.  All I’m saying is that I want the chance to memorize a day’s events and then dress up like an elf and scare the hell out of town folk with my knowledge.  There’s no way that would get old.  Also, I would do other fun things like unscrew shelves at a Walmart and learn how to juggle old ladies.  I’m not sure how someone could give me this particular gift, but if it happened, it would definitely be the best birthday EVAH.

A Solid Gold Toilet

I’m almost certain I would never pawn it for cash.  But I can’t think of too many things that would lift my spirits like a duke on a toilet made of gold.  Having a bad day?  Awww, well cheer up, big guy.  You’re sitting on a gold toilet!!  Life can’t be all that bad, right!?  Girlfriend dump you?  Awww, sooooo sad.  But keep that chin up, skippy–you’re dropping soiled toilet paper into a solid gold toilet!!  Huzzah!  Life just got a hell of a lot better!  Owe well over $750,000 in back taxes?  Stop your crying, Forgetty McForgetfulson–you’re perched upon a throne made of solid gooooolllllldddd!!  Now finish up that number two and drag that sucker to the pawn shop!  A solid gold toilet would easily be the best present EVAH.

Benevolent Underwear

He’d be like a little buddy that’s always there for ya.  Cheer’n me up when I’m down, listening to my joke ideas, and giving me surprise presents just for the hell of it.

Underwear: Hey Joe…why the long face?

Me: Huh?  Oh, well…I went to Target and they didn’t have the toothpaste that I like in stock.  Kinda bummed.

Underwear:  Well turn that frown upside down, mister.  I’ve got a present for ya!

Me: Wow!!  A solid gold toilet!!  You’re the best pair of underwear a guy could ask for Undie!

Underwear: We’ll always be friends, Joe.  Always.

Me: This is the best birthday EVAH!

Contemporary Floor-Spikes Are Lovely For Hallways

The worlds of video games are pretty crazy places, full of monsters, machine guns and all sorts of other dangers. That’s why I would figure that people would want nice, safe, normal houses to go into at night after fighting for their lives all day out there in the crazy lands of video games. Whether its the land from Zelda (Hyrule), an apocalyptic earth (most 1st person shooters), or a scary-ass zombie world (LEft 4 Dead), video game lands are full of scary shit.

What gives with the fucking architects in video game land? Can;t they build a decent, safe building to go inside? All the buildings you go inside are full of pits, sliding walls that push you into the pits, fireballs, bouncing things that come out of nowhere to try to kill you (see every nintendo game ever), fireballs, and if you are in a building in Persia, apparently lots of totally unconnected platforms, necessitating the homeowner having to leap, jump, swing, crawl and cling to get around. Why not just put in a damned rope bridge? Or connect the plaforms.

It seems like whatever school of architecture there is in these lands is purposely teaching its students several things:

1) Every room must have a precarious, perilous edge. Preferably next to the house plants.

2)  Rock walkways must crumble away underfoot when walked upon. Disposable paths are fashionable.

3) Interiors should feature a bottomless abyss as their focal point. This is Feng Shui friendly.

4) Ceilings are best high or non-existent. If there has to be a ceiling, it should be threatening, either crushing occupants or releasing dangerous spores and monsters when the occupant least expects it.

5) When the occupant walks down the hall, say from their livingroom to the bathroom during a TV show commercial, big fucking SPIKES will pop out of the floor and impale them. Every house should have a surprise like this for unwary guests and forgetful homeowners alike.

So, seriously, what kind of architecture school would this be? The denizens of these lands go home to greater danger than when they’re being shot at or attacked by demon-beasts outdoors. At least outside they EXPECT to be killed.

One final note: in all my gaming I am yet to see a single bedroom, bedchamber, whatever you want to call it. Don’t the people in these lands sleep? Or did the architects just forget to put these into every abode, no matter whether a grand castle, a cavernous dungeon lair, or a humble necromancer’s home. Or maybe it’s just too fucking dangerous to ever close your eyes and go to sleep in these countries.

Bottom line,  if you are a skilled architect, PLEASE, move into a video-game land. They need you.