Every guy will probably date at least one Cat Lady in their lifetime.  That’s a statistic I just completely made up, but it’s absolutely true.  Sometimes ya just find out way too late that the girl you’ve been dating owns 10 cats.  Sometimes she hides her hive of cats really well and you don’t realize you’re knee-deep in Cat Ladyness until it’s way too late.  And sometimes you just like cats and eventually become overwhelmed.  I submit that dating a Cat Lady aint all that bad yo, but just in case you’re on the fence, here are some pros and cons to consider before you decide to press onward or break up with the Cat Lady:

PROS

1) Cat Ladies can talk to animals (cats, usually)

If your Cat Lady girlfriend can talk to ALL animals, then this is very useful if you’re ever lost in the wilderness.  However, if she can only talk to cats (which is usually the case), then this trick is utterly useless unless you’re lost in a pet store.

2) Cats can be used as transportation

The more cats the better when dating a cat lady.  If she has 40 or 50 cats, then hop right on the furry little critters and have them carry you around town like a meowing magic carpet.  Cats can usually climb walls and fly, so a cat carpet can be more efficient than a cab or even one of those flying chinchillas.

3) The Cat Lady and her cats might be nice enough to show you their cat kingdom deep below the earth’s crust

WARNING: Usually when they show you the underground cat kingdom, you’ll either be forbidden to leave or be sworn to secrecy.  Personally, I can’t keep a secret, so usually I pass on the cat kingdom.  But, hey, maybe living in furry darkness is your thing.  Oh and you’ll also be expected to toil away in their kitty cat salt mines if you choose to stay underground.

4) Cats can be used as a food supply during an extreme emergency

Some cats are useless–any Cat Lady will tell you that.  And thems good eat’n if a snow storm or earthquake makes food retrieval impossible.  Don’t eat cats in front of the other cats…

5) Cat Jamboree!!!! WEEEEEEEEE

Quick!  Pick up a banjo and play along!  Dance with the cats! Dance, I say! Don’t just stand there! You’ll insult the cats! Cat Jamboree!! Weeeeeeee!!!  (or WEEEEEEEEE, depending on the Jamboree).

CONS

1) Your Cat Lady girlfriend will probably attempt world domination at some point

What do you do with 100 cats, the ability to talk to cats and an insatiable appetite for the slavery of all mankind?  You construct a volcano island secret base and try to take over the world.  You’ll be expected to help out, of course.  PFFFT, women.  Sometimes they’re soooo annoying and just want you to play along…

2) Aw shoot there poo evewy where and cat poo is icky smelly sticks to your shoe aw shucks poo got in my mouf

Cat poo.  Yyyeck.

3) Evil Cats are especially evil and nice cats are a little bit evil

Let me just say that I love cats.  They’re awesome.  But they’re evil.  Shifty eyes. Creeping around everywhere.  Petting their knife collection.  Laughing a little too hard at the movie American Psycho. Posters of Dexter in their bedroom. Sooooooo evil.  Evil. Cats.  Short sentences are a weapon of the cats.

4) Your friends will eventually make fun of your Cat Lady girlfriend and your cat lady girlfriend will eat your friends

Just keep your friends away from your Cat Lady girlfriend for as long as possible.  Unless you want a fat Cat Lady girlfriend lounging around your apartment with a smug grin.

5) Cat Ladies are actually a pile of highly-trained cats trained in the art of seduction, American English, sex, mathematics, and glue.

Don’t turn your back on a Cat Lady.  It’ll be the furriest last decision you ever make.Similar Posts:

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Pros and Cons of Dating a Cat Lady is a post from: WeWriteFunny

The business world is quite different from the everyday flim flam.  There are unwritten rules to follow and that can make holding a steady job difficult because unwritten rules tend to be unwritten–meaning that you’re either not allowed to say them out loud or that they’re a spooky ghost.  If you’re looking for a blog entry about spooky ghost rules for writing emails, go somewhere else.  BUT, if you looking for the unspeakable rules about writing work emails, well, keep readering.

Subject Lines — be concise and lie your ass off

The business world is boring and the last thing a businessy person wants to do is read your stupid email.  Even if you have some sort of fancy shmancy title like CEO or CFO or President of the United States or Murderer of People That Do Not Read My Fucking Emails.  You need to fight their criminal indifference with a subject line that is quick, to the point, and sounds fucking awesome.

Examples:

I’m GIVING AWAY my court-side LAKERS TICKETS

JIM KEYED YOUR CAR–I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

Do you think my wife’s BREASTS are HUGE? PICS INSIDE!!!

Once they’re inside your email–BAM–the first battle is complete.  No matter what’s in your boring email, they HAVE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING.  Because what if I missed the part about the Lakers tickets? What if I missed where that sonofabitch Jim lives? I’ll kill that asshole.

The Greeting — insult or threaten your reader

Dearest Joe, I would love for you to be my bestest friend and read these client reports and bla bla bla DELETE!!!! Hey Joe, So I reaaaally need you to check out these expense reports and bla bla bla DELETE DELETE DESTROY!!! Joe–By 5pm I need you to bla bla bla fuck you for not greeting me like an ADULT!!! DELETE!!! HATE!!

See? You need to grab a readers attention with some meat.  Ya know, some big, tasty steak.  And there’s nothing juicier than a lowbrow insult or a borderline illegal threat.

Examples:

HEY MORON — Not a bad insult, but it should get the job done. Put it in all caps so they can’t ignore it.

I crapped in one of your filing cabinets, Bob — Did you? Bob has no clue unless he reads your stupid email.  And hell, maybe the clue is in the attached expense report. Sorry, Bob, you just got SAAAACKCKKKKKED

You’re an incompetent piece of shit and I recorded you having sex last night. Read this entire email and RESPOND TO IT or I will email the video around the office! — A super duper double whammy.  Why am I a piece of shit? I better find out and–oh snap, you have video of me having sex?? No!  NoooOOOooooooooooocrap I need to read this email AND the attached spreadsheet.

Body — make every other paragraph about aliens, zombies, or pirates

Like I already mentioned, business sucks.  So break up the monotony with something interesting.

Examples:

1) Keller and Fisher have grown by 30% in the 2nd Quarter and are expected to continue their growth with investments in futures and bonds

Zombies are not scared of water and it’s very foolish to think that you can hide from them on a boat or even by just swimming in a large body of water. They will just walk or float out to you and eat your brains

2) It’s Kelly’s birthday on Friday and to celebrate we’re going to be having cake and ice cream in the conference room.

Aliens have ray guns that can disintegrate you or just burn you slightly–it’s really up to the alien and if he’s feeling particularly generous.  You should not make aliens mad because they’ll shoot you with their ray gun.

3) Gang, we’re eating through copy paper.  Remember, DO NOT print unless you absolutely need the documents you’re printing.

I had intercourse with a woman that had a wooden leg. She said Yarg when I dropped her off at her apartment.

Closing — either apologize profusely or burn the bridge with one final threat

At this point, your reader is well-informed and either scared or angry with you.  This is  your last chance to avoid getting fired.  Make it count.

Examples:

I love you…seriously, I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you.

I meant every word I said in this email and you better believe I’m going to be waiting for you in the parking lot after work.

Do you have a wooden leg? Let’s meet up at my place later. We can say Yarg together = )Similar Posts:

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How to Format Work Emails is a post from: WeWriteFunny

We’re all aware that there about a hundred or so scenes in horror movies where we just want to leap out of our seats and warn the main characters.  But if you pay attention, these scenes exist in almost every singe movie, regardless of the genre.  I kind of wish I had some sort of machine to transport myself inside of a movie and warn the characters about something.  Maybe not something HUGE, but maybe something that would make life easier later in the movie.  Here are a few movies where I would readily abuse such a hypothetical machine:

Titanic –first scene with the deep sea research crew

*Joe barges into the cabin where the old lady is about to tell her story*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Stop right there, you old hag.

Ship Captain: And just who the hell are you?

*Joe reaches into the old lady’s pocket and pulls out the diamond*

Joe: No time for explanations.  This wench had the diamond you were looking for the entire time.  AND she was planning on throwing it into the ocean.

Ship Captain: This sounds like treason on the high seas.  Per Poseidon’s wishes, we MUST follow the laws of the sea.  THROW THE OLD LADY INTO THE OCEAN!

Crew: YARGHHHHH!!!!

*Joe helps the crew toss the old lady overboard and the credits to the movie roll*

Pretty Woman — any of the opening scenes with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts

Richard Gere: Bla bla bla, something something, banter, banter

Julia Roberts: Hahahahaha, bla bla, bla

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Stop.  Stop.  Richard, you’re going to fall in love with this whore.

Richard Gere: Oh NooooOOOOOoooooOOoooo!!!

*Richard Gere hysterically runs off down the road.  The credits roll as he’s beaten to a pulp by a local gang*

As Good As It Gets — “Is this as good as it gets?” scene

Jack Nicholson: What if…what if this is as good as it gets?

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Hey, Jack.  Yes, this is as good as it gets.  Helen Hunt is as good as it gets.

*Jack Nicholson considers this for roughly three seconds before pulling out a gun and blowing his brains out.  Joe sits down at a local booth and orders lunch.  He leaves a lousy tip for Helen Hunt*Similar Posts:

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Movie Scenes Where I Want to Warn the Main Characters is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Some advertising guy somewhere must have really loved pop-up books as a kid, because when he got older he invented pop-up ads. These are the intrusive, obtrusive ads that open windows on your computer, blocking your screen so you have to consider buying their product.

My question is, why don’t pop-ups sell things I want? Who is wasting the massive amounts of money trying to sell things none of us obviously want. I mean, I close all my pop-up ads. Doesn’t everyone? Testosterone. FICO scores from irreputable banks you’ve never heard of.  Virus Software ads with no way to close the window other than a hard reboot. Gambling. Sex. Weird products. That’s all you get.

Can’t I get a pop-up offering me a 50% off sale on televisions from BestBuy? Or maybe Mercedes Benz has a buy-one, get-one-free weekend. That would deserve a pop-up. Even a pop-up about donuts from my local donut store would make me happy.

The thing is, I see so many useless products pushed at me in pop-ups that my resolve is weakening. I need help or else very soon I may actually buy some of these things.

A  set of imitation horse-hair men’s wigs?

Sure, why not.

A supply of special freeze-dried nibs from some South American bush, guaranteed to change mind/body/soul by 40%?

Here’s my credit card number.

Bouquet of fleshy, latex ‘realfeel’ calla lillies?

Gotta have ‘em!!!

You can see how it becomes addicting. There’s a rush to buying something you don’t need at all. just today I was asking myself what would happen if you replaced testosterone which wasn’t missing in the first place? We’ll find out in 6-8 weeks, I guess.

Anyways, I’d love to talk more, but a very intriguing window just opened and it asked if I like money… Do You Like CASH?

Yes, sir, I DO!!!Similar Posts:

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Pop-Up Ads is a post from: WeWriteFunny

I used to love when I typed a website too quickly and made a spelling mistake. Homail. Gogglw.com yagoo.com and so on (instead of hotmail.com , google.com, yahoo.com). Fun.

Invariably the internet would show me some weird catch-all website that listed categories of every noun that existed along the left (vesse, produce, letter openers, pajamas, Vatican, parasail), with a generic photo of an Asian and Caucasian in J. Crew-ish clothes on the right. Sometimes it would be a hiply-dressed person near (not always on) a computer and lots of financial services options in the menu. What was exciting was the surprise pairings of photo and strange categories (none of whose links led anywhere).

I’m still not sure how these scammy-looking redirect pages made money. They weren’t real websites. They didn’t look real. If you clicked on the links they just took you to another page with similar lists. They never seemed to link to any actual information or things you could buy. But *someone*, *somewhere* was paying operate these weird pages that were spelled one-letter off of other famous websites.

What was funnier was that they’d figured out that their target demographic was bad spellers. Maybe bad spellers were more likely to click links that led to other fake pages. Bad spellers must be dumb. I guess I am occasionally dumb, then, when I am in a rush or sleepy and can’t type properly.

Sadly, history has moved on and these types of pages are mostly extinct. The smart internet and the smart companies on the brilliant internet actually do a better job figring out which website you wanted. Now if I type homail.com or gogle.com it still takes me to the right place. So sad and disappointing. We are losing the element of adventure, surprise and randomness which made the internet an exciting NEW frontier in the 199-0s and early 2000′s. The wild west is becoming tame.

Like a baby who no longer talks ‘cute’, the internet is losing the charm of it’s early years as it grows into young adulthood. I, for one, will forever miss the sign of generic pages with one wrongly-spelled letter.

There is only one left, like the dodo bird… go enjoy it while you can, world!!!!

www.yotube.com

You’re welcome.Similar Posts:

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The Internet Grows Up – No More Sketchy Websites Which Love Bad Spellurs is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Everyone knows farts are funny. We discover that as kids. A brother or sister farts, everyone giggles and says “Ew.” As we get older it becomes even less appropriate and more embarrassing to be the farter. This inappropriateness and embarrassment is part of why we find farts so funny.

The other part is that they are a bit bad. They smell bad. It’s a poor experience to have, smelling another person;s gas. That said, it is not a grave, tragic event like a car accident. It is just bad enough to be funny, like falling on your ass when slipping on a banana peel.

So, we have social embarrassment and ‘pain’ (in one of its milder forms.

There’s another factor: universality. Everyone farts. Everyone, rich, poor, big, strong, weak, from any country i the world, farts. Farts have no language. They unite us, by remind us of our common humanity. A poor and rich man will share a chuckle over a small ‘toot’. This is mainly true when farts are accidental. When a person farts on purpose, it’s simply viewed as crass, not amusing.

And yet, many reject all fart humor as sophmoric. I suppose it is childish, but we all harbor that inner child, even as adults. It’s why we titter if a politician lets a little fart escape as he gives a speech. Of if a beautiful female model lets out a loud “Thhhhhbt” as she struts down the cat walk. Both the model and politician are funnier farters because it maximizes the social inappropriateness factor. In both scenarios there is an incongruity between when it is acceptable to fart, and the situation into which the fart was introduced (important speech in public, or on a catwalk as one looks sexy).

There is something in the frailty of man that we see inherent in the fart. Our imperfection and mortality is on display in a benign way that’s not too scary for us to handle, so we laugh at it. We laugh at the nodding understanding of the truth that we are all just farting, imperfect animals.

Farts aren’t just funny, they are perhaps one of the highest and basest expressions of mankind. We are all one. We all fart.

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Why Are Farts Funny? is a post from: WeWriteFunny

My birthday is coming up, and while I was putting together my 10,000 page Birthday Gift Manifesto, I realized that many of things that I demand–er–want–are things that any sane individual would LOVE to have.  So for those of you out there looking for last minute gift ideas for me, or anyone named Joe, here are some ideas.

Mark Summers

No, not as some sort of deranged slave.  I would love to have Mark Summers host the entirety of my birthday like the obstacle course from Family Double Dare.  I want the whole deal going on–the crowd cheering as I cut myself shaving, the music blaring while I eat my turkey sandwich at the office, and then Mark Summers screaming that time is running out while I’m debating whether or not to wear the same underwear to work the next day.  This would easily make for the best birthday EVAH.

Relive Groundhog Day a Few Thousand Times

Some might say that Bill Murray’s character was in hell during that movie.  And while I’m inclined to agree, I would most definitely make better use of my time while damned to relive the same lame holiday over and over again.  First off, did Bill Murray’s character have any REAL fun in that movie?  Any at all???  No.  All I’m saying is that I want the chance to memorize a day’s events and then dress up like an elf and scare the hell out of town folk with my knowledge.  There’s no way that would get old.  Also, I would do other fun things like unscrew shelves at a Walmart and learn how to juggle old ladies.  I’m not sure how someone could give me this particular gift, but if it happened, it would definitely be the best birthday EVAH.

A Solid Gold Toilet

I’m almost certain I would never pawn it for cash.  But I can’t think of too many things that would lift my spirits like a duke on a toilet made of gold.  Having a bad day?  Awww, well cheer up, big guy.  You’re sitting on a gold toilet!!  Life can’t be all that bad, right!?  Girlfriend dump you?  Awww, sooooo sad.  But keep that chin up, skippy–you’re dropping soiled toilet paper into a solid gold toilet!!  Huzzah!  Life just got a hell of a lot better!  Owe well over $750,000 in back taxes?  Stop your crying, Forgetty McForgetfulson–you’re perched upon a throne made of solid gooooolllllldddd!!  Now finish up that number two and drag that sucker to the pawn shop!  A solid gold toilet would easily be the best present EVAH.

Benevolent Underwear

He’d be like a little buddy that’s always there for ya.  Cheer’n me up when I’m down, listening to my joke ideas, and giving me surprise presents just for the hell of it.

Underwear: Hey Joe…why the long face?

Me: Huh?  Oh, well…I went to Target and they didn’t have the toothpaste that I like in stock.  Kinda bummed.

Underwear:  Well turn that frown upside down, mister.  I’ve got a present for ya!

Me: Wow!!  A solid gold toilet!!  You’re the best pair of underwear a guy could ask for Undie!

Underwear: We’ll always be friends, Joe.  Always.

Me: This is the best birthday EVAH!Similar Posts:

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Perfect Birthday Gift Ideas is a post from: WeWriteFunny