Category — Reviews

Ah Zombieland, a land of Zombies as far as I can tell from the title and a movie, judging by its Woody Harrelsoness. This little ditty has been receiving some hype lately and I decided to see if the movie lived up to its “Comedy” tag. It’s the least I could do. And I owe Woody Harrelson a favor ever since two sentences ago when I said “Harrelsoness.” Remember when I said that? Well I’m sorry. Woody.

So while I was on my way to the movie, I had a hankering for a giant burrito. Don’t ask why. I get these pregnant-woman cravings sometimes and I get pregnant-woman crazy if I’m not allowed to satisfy them and then cry for an hour afterwards. So I buy the burrito and then head next door to the movie. Just to give you an idea of what this golden calf looked like, just imagine a loaf of bread two babies-long. Now think of what world peace would taste like. Bam.

This definitely wasn’t the first time that I snuck food into a movie, but I couldn’t help but get paranoid that the head of the ushers will find me out and then proceed to call over the other deputy ushers to beat me mercilessly with their AMC-issued batons.

Head Usher: Beat him harder! That burrito smells damned delicious! Yes, that’s it! One blow to the head for every piece of chicken you see leak onto the floor! Okay stop, he’s starting to twitch! Drag him into the closet with the others! No, you fool, save the burrito! Burrito for everyone!

And it’s about this point in my fantasy where I wake up, kill the ushers in a fit of rage and then the following morning’s newspaper spins toward the screen with the title: Burrito Massacre Ends with Four Dead–“The burrito was delicious!” laughed the suspect as he was escorted into a paddy wagon.

But of course that didn’t happen. I snuck the burrito into the movie in my shirt and an usher followed the intoxicating smell right up to my seat. He tapped me on the shoulder and I bribed him with half of my burrito.

So in conclusion, the burrito was delicious–even though I had to give half of it to the usher. Oh and Zombieland was pretty good. Two stars out of two stars on “Joe’s Two Star Sliding Movie Scale of Doom!” But if that usher is reading this, let me just say that there are plenty more burritos in your future if you play your cards right.

Burrito: 10/10–delicious!!!

Movie: 2/2–It definitely wasn’t a burrito…