Category — Inside the Writer Brain

Contemporary Floor-Spikes Are Lovely For Hallways

The worlds of video games are pretty crazy places, full of monsters, machine guns and all sorts of other dangers. That’s why I would figure that people would want nice, safe, normal houses to go into at night after fighting for their lives all day out there in the crazy lands of video games. Whether its the land from Zelda (Hyrule), an apocalyptic earth (most 1st person shooters), or a scary-ass zombie world (LEft 4 Dead), video game lands are full of scary shit.

What gives with the fucking architects in video game land? Can;t they build a decent, safe building to go inside? All the buildings you go inside are full of pits, sliding walls that push you into the pits, fireballs, bouncing things that come out of nowhere to try to kill you (see every nintendo game ever), fireballs, and if you are in a building in Persia, apparently lots of totally unconnected platforms, necessitating the homeowner having to leap, jump, swing, crawl and cling to get around. Why not just put in a damned rope bridge? Or connect the plaforms.

It seems like whatever school of architecture there is in these lands is purposely teaching its students several things:

1) Every room must have a precarious, perilous edge. Preferably next to the house plants.

2)  Rock walkways must crumble away underfoot when walked upon. Disposable paths are fashionable.

3) Interiors should feature a bottomless abyss as their focal point. This is Feng Shui friendly.

4) Ceilings are best high or non-existent. If there has to be a ceiling, it should be threatening, either crushing occupants or releasing dangerous spores and monsters when the occupant least expects it.

5) When the occupant walks down the hall, say from their livingroom to the bathroom during a TV show commercial, big fucking SPIKES will pop out of the floor and impale them. Every house should have a surprise like this for unwary guests and forgetful homeowners alike.

So, seriously, what kind of architecture school would this be? The denizens of these lands go home to greater danger than when they’re being shot at or attacked by demon-beasts outdoors. At least outside they EXPECT to be killed.

One final note: in all my gaming I am yet to see a single bedroom, bedchamber, whatever you want to call it. Don’t the people in these lands sleep? Or did the architects just forget to put these into every abode, no matter whether a grand castle, a cavernous dungeon lair, or a humble necromancer’s home. Or maybe it’s just too fucking dangerous to ever close your eyes and go to sleep in these countries.

Bottom line,  if you are a skilled architect, PLEASE, move into a video-game land. They need you.

Bandura Lessons $5

Lenny made all the beautiful music he could on his Bandura to impress the goatherder’s daughter. Lenny played like Sorongstrang the legendary Bandura player of old. The magic call of its plinky notes brought many beautiful snakes into the house. Still, she did not say she loved Lenny.

When he saw this, he made a face under his beard, but no one could notice it. He threw the heavy Bandura out of his first-floor window. “I wasted five bucks on those Bandura lessons.”

The girl left to milk her goats. Lenny grumbled for a spell about the five dollars.

Cute, But Not Aubergine

When the teacher let the kids dress up for class, Julie said she would “Come in dressed as an aubergine.”

Julie is doing poorly in school.

Typical Financial Graphy Thingums

Most of the time we write funny, but every once in awhile one of us brings in something that lays an egg. Okay, sometimes I bring in something that lays an egg.

Here is a wonderful example of an idea I pitched for a sketch about a year ago.

Me: So, I have this idea for a sketch.

Josh: Cool, what is it?

Me: Well, I was just thinking about the stock market, and how it crashed, so I want to have a financial news report about socks, so I can have the reporter say “The sock market has crashed.”

Josh: What?

Me (actually getting enthused): Yeah! Like we could show a graph going downwards and he’d say like, “Wool socks and work socks are plummeting, but argyle…” then we show a line going up… (Barry makes upward arm motion “is bucking the trend as always and heading UP!”

Josh says nothing.

Me: The sock market has crashed.

I wait for the laughter and accolades.

Josh (shaking his head): Barry… you know better than this.

Yes, I do know better, AND yes, I do love funny socks.

Needless to say, we haven’t it shot it. Yet. I’m still holding out hope. Although, in 2010 it may have to be “Sock Market Recovers!”

Pretty great, huh?

We all love songs, even when we can’t understand some of the lyrics. Sometimes we go years thinking we know the lyrics of a song, only to find out we’ve been singing the wrong thing on karaoke night.

Here are a few of the things I have sang, out loud, in front of people for decades before finding out I was wrong.

Jimmy Hendrix – “Purple Haze”

What Barry Heard – ” Scuse me, while I kiss this guy!”

What Jimi Said – “Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!”

Pretty close, but I wonder why none of my male friends ever told me.

Here’s the inimitable Mr. Hendrix at Woodstock singing the song properly (I still think it sounds like “kiss this guy”).

Big Country – “In A Big Country”

What Barry Heard – “In a pickle tree, dreams stay with you.”

What Big Country Sang – “In a big country, dreams stay with you.”

I spent a few years looking for pickle trees. I even asked a botanist lady once on a field trip to the Ontario Science Centre where I could find pickle trees.

Here they are, Big Country singing the inventively named “In A Big Country”.

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – Blinded By The Light

What Barry Heard – “Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night.”

What Manfred’s Band Crooned – “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, antoher runner in the night.”

Apparently I’m not the only person who had issues with this one!

And here’s the real version… with funny subtitles.

So… what song lyrics have you misheard?