A Crown For All Seasons – Ten Funny Crowns

I’ve made a decision. I am a King. And a King deserves crowns. Lots of them.

I am going to have a crown for each occasion.

What gave me the idea was the old Imperial margarine commercial. In the commercials, an average person sitting at a kitchen table would eat a little Imperial margarine and *ta-daa*, a crown would appear on their head. It was to be inferred by the viewer that the crown appeared because of the margarine (though it may have been the bred that was doing it, for all we knew, as there was more than one variable at work).

Once you realized that margarine meant crowns, you were supposed to run out and buy margarine. (I guess they also assumed you’d infer that only *their* brand of margarine bestowed monarchical headgear… though many poor souls probably assumed that *any* brand could produce a crown. These people ended up with margarine, but no crown.)

Anyways, I never inferred that margarine caused crowns to appear on heads.

I inferred that if you wore a crown you’d feel awesome, like the commercial-actors pretended to feel.

So, today, when I wanted to feel more awesome I decided that I need more crowns in my life. Crowns for every occasion.  I have, thus far, thought of 73 crowns I will have. Here are some of the things I will wear my crowns for….

1) A donut crown.

What it sounds like. I wear this crown whenever I eat donuts. Or a donut. Doesn’t have to be several.

The Famous Kronenburg Cruller Crown

2) Texting Crown

I will wear it when sending my minions messages. Also, when my girlfriend wants to know why I am late and I have to apologize by text.

A high-tech crown is ideal for texting. (Pewter construction may interfere with some carrier signals.)

4) Fancy Crown

I will wear this for feasting and parades or games organized in my honor. Any meal including a side dish (including instant noodles) and a non-water beverage shall constitute “feasting”.

I shall have celry stalks with myne chykn wings, thou whelk!

5) Reggie’s Crown

That’s right Reggie. *I* have it. You were wondering where it was, and now you know. How’s that feel, Reggie? Huh? I have your crown. I have your crown, Reggie! How ya like that!?

That's right, Reggie! That's RIGHT!!!

6) The Unwearable Crown

This one doesn’t get worn.

Don't Even THINK About it

7) The Soy-Substitute Crown

Times have changed, Imperial margarine . This inspiring white wonder is made entirely of soy and it sits perched atop my head while I sup on seitan crisps with  light miso-soy-spread.

More of a Soy Helmet Than A Crown, But I Still Wear It

8 ) The Crown of Tried-Too-Hard

I put this on whenever I have just tried to get someone to like me and failed. It makes an awkward situation even more awkward.

Do You Like Me *Now*?

9) The Crown Of Intellectual Property

I sit high on my mountain, with this on my brow, and laugh heartily. I shall die with ALL my good ideas safe in MY head!!!!

10) The Imperial Margarine Crown (because I have always wanted it)

Click the link below to see the crown that started it all!

The Imperial Margarine Crown

Well, that’s some of my list of crowns.  I highly recommend going to get crowns of your own for all occasions, since you can;t have mine (especially you, Reggie).