10 Newly Discovered Ghost Facts Uncovered by Lord Gulrich Standish III

On January 17th 2011, a bored rich guy named Lord Gulrich Standish III led an expedition of 3 other rich guys and a mentally unstable poor guy to the unexplored region of Ghostopolis–a ghost community localized entirely inside of an abandoned amusement park.  While shitting his money and time away, Lord Gulrich Standish III recorded over 400 pages of previously unknown facts about ghosts.  His photos can bee scene here.  The following are 10 of those facts and a brief journal entry from Lord Gulrich Standish III:

1) Ghosts dance until the sun comes up…or their shoes explode.

“I can think of nothing more spectacular than the sun coming up over the horizon, ghouls jiving like they’ve been set ablaze, and the screams of the freshly maimed ghosts echoing down the street…because their shoes have exploded and apparently ghosts feel pain.”

2) Ghosts drive inside out cars, but “inside out” in our terms translates to “upside down”, so in actuality, ghosts drive upside down cars that they wrongfully believe to be inside out.

“I shall never respect a ghost that casually and truthfully refers to his or her car as being “inside out”. It’s just not true.  And I’ll fight any man, woman, or child who tries to tell me otherwise.”

3) Ghosts can count really fast when fast counting is needed.

“In one day alone, fast counting was needed 17 times, post haste, and I was surprised to find that ghosts were ready to count at extremely high speeds–much faster than the fastest living counter could ever hope to achieve.”

4) Ghost Saliva is delicious.

“It sometimes takes the help of two, maybe even THREE men, to hold down a ghost, but once you’ve dipped your fist into a ghost mouth, drawn out the rich saliva and slurped it from your palm, I can think of no greater taste on earth.”

5) Walking through walls is frowned upon–especially in front of the Royal Ghost Viceroy.

“The Royal Ghost Viceroy is not one for parlor tricks.  On more than one occasion when I tried to glide through a wall (merely to show them I approved of their ghostlyness), the Viceroy smote me with a hickory cane.”

6) Ghosts reproduce by eating the live young of other ghosts

“It’s a common misconception that ghosts reproduce asexually.  I’m proud to report that ghosts beget ghosts simply by unhinging their jaw and swallowing a ghost child whole.  It takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for a ghost child to fully be digested and turn into a new ghost child–who will probably be promptly eaten upon being born.”

7) Ghosts smell in six dimensions, but that just means that, to ghosts, objects only smell like either paint, burnt toast, or different colored crayons (usually Fuchsia, Aqua, and Indian Red)

“Ghosts are not a politically correct people, and it was a little jarring to learn that they hadn’t discontinued the use or “Indian Red” crayons. They claimed “Indian Red” referred to the redish pigment from India, but that’s just absurd.”

8 ) Ghosts don’t call themselves “ghosts”.  They call themselves “ghosts”–pronounced go-hosts.

“They have a distinct and thick accent.  It’s very difficult to pronounce “ghost” correctly in their language.  I gave up after attempting the pronunciation a couple of times and ignored their disgusted looks.”

9) Ghosts only have four fingers, but they wear false fingers so they don’t accidentally scare the living with their de-fingered hands.

“Freaks.  But their saliva tastes like milk from the teat of the gods, so I’ll let it slide.”

10) Ghosts always have tongues, although not all the time and rarely never.

“The rate of tongueless ghosts seemed to increase as my men and I mined more regularly for ghost saliva.  Either we were yanking the tongues too hard or they have some sort of defense mechanism that causes their tongue to detach while their saliva is being removed.”