Joe’s Disastrous Life Coach Search

I’m currently in a transitional period in my life and looking for some sort of stability and structure.  This past year I managed to shed myself of a family of ghosts that were haunting me out of mistaken identity–and then stubbornness once they learned of their mistake.    I then suffered a severe monetary loss after my screaming alarm clocks business went under after only being in business for a month.   So I figure: let’s get it right this time.  Let’s get this life-o-mine on the right track.

And what better way for me to figure my life out than by hiring someone else to help me figure it out.  I’ve heard about the concept of a life coach and I must say that it’s interesting.  I suppose the challenge is finding a “qualified” coach.  On that note, I have no idea where to look for one.  Dark alleys yielded nothing but muggings and ogres singing show tunes (surprisingly well, actually).  And random phone calls landed me several visits from local police officers with claims of “disturbing the peace” and “false singing ogre claims”.

I finally smarted up and decided to post a Craigslist ad.  And well…that too was a mistake.  Apparently there is a bottomless pit of lunatics in this city.  Now I know and knowing is half the battle.  Here are a few notable instances with trial Life Coaches.  GI JOE.

Dr. Ian Malcolm

Dr. Malcolm was very excited–almost jittery–to become my life coach.  He holds a PhD in Math and studies Chaos Theory.  When I heard this, I thought “Great!  My life is crazy now and this man will have a few theories on why that is and how to solve my problems with women using numbers and a slide ruler…hopefully a sexy slide ruler.

I also found out that Dr. Malcolm had apparently been involved in several incidents on a tropical island with exotic creatures–specifically, dinosaurs.  At first I was weary to trust a man spouting dinosaur stories, but when I heard his tale about a pile of Triceratops feces as tall as a man, I was sold.  Ya just don’t make up details like that.

Anyway, he had an odd attitude toward life.  Specifically, he thought no matter what, we’re screwed.  His mouth was also constantly five sentences ahead of his brain and I just couldn’t handle both his conspiracy theories as well as his mouth’s inability to effectively convey these asinine theories.

Awkward Moment…

I wanted to start small with my life and Dr. Malcolm, so I decided to get my hamburger situation under control.  I wasn’t sure what fast food I liked better: McDonalds or Burger King.  I decided the best way to figure this out was to buy two large meals from each restaurant and eat them in tandem.  I ran this by Dr. Malcolm and he just snickered and nodded.  Kinda smug of him, but I went ahead with the plan anyway.

I chowed down on the food and immediately after finishing the meals I got a giant stomach ache.  I sat on the floor moaning and squirming, unsure of what went wrong in my life.

Me: I don’t understand.  Fast food usually brings me so much joy!  How could double the fast food end up turning on me!?  Dr. Malcolm, what went wrong?

Malcolm: Ya-ya-ya see, you were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you never stopped and asked if you should.

Me: Oh…well…that would have been nice to know before I ate all of this food.  I’m in a lot of pain.  I can’t imagine what’ll happen on the toilet tomorrow morning…

Malcolm: Life–uh– finds a way.

Me: Does that mean it’ll be painful?

Dr. Richard Kimble

After a bad start with a doctor, I was hesitant to try another one, but this guy wasn’t just any doctor–he was a vascular surgeon.  Not just any joker can be a vascular surgeon, so I figured why not?  Oh and I should also mention that Dr. Kimble was wrongly convicted of murder in the state of Chicago…convicted and then sentenced to death by lethal injection.  The only way he avoided this was by escaping a prison bus and hunting the man that had set him up.  Dr. Kimble explained all of this while using the urinal next to me at a Denny’s.  This should have set off warning lights in my head, but he had a beard and guys with beards just seem so distinguished and trustworthy.

Dr. Kimble decided to kick things off by getting my career back on track.  He fixed up my resume, bought me a respectable suit and coached me on some techniques to get me in a good frame of mind.

Awkward Moment…

The day of the interview, he sat in his car and waited for me to make him proud.  What Kimble forgot to tell me was that he filled my resume with lies–enough lies to fill a bathtub and bathe in.  I realized this half way through the interview when I couldn’t answer several questions and the interviewer’s response to my ignorance was to pull a gun on me and open fire.  I fled the room and jumped into Kimble’s car.

Me: Why did you say that I have seven PhDs and I worked for the CIA!!!??

Kimble: Shut up.  Just shut up!  We gotta lay low for a little while–maybe assume the identity of a Hispanic janitor.   Yeah, the ol’ Hispanic janitor trick.  That’ll throw them of.

Me: Throw WHO off?  Why did they start shooting at me??

Kimble: Maybe you’ve been framed for murder.  That happens more often than you’d think.  Or maybe the Federal Beard Coalition is after you and everyone you’re associated with because you’ve been practicing medicine with a fake beard and now you have 72 hours to grow a real beard and be seen in public with it.

Me: Your beard is fake?  Well this over.  Let me out at the corner.

Arthur Slugworth

The hell with doctors.  After two quacks, I decided to go with someone who has a little more business experience.  Arthur Slugworth is an established business owner and a venture capitalist.  What’s not to like about a guy like that?  Who would be better to tell me how to improve my life and avoid accidentally digging a trench around my house and filling it with alligators?  Plus he wears glasses and nothing says intellectual like a set of specs.

Something worth noting about Slugworth is that he owns a candy company–a candy company that rivals the Wonka company.  He also is fiercely competitive.  Now I’m not a chocolate guy, but I love the fact that he is ambitious.

Unfortunately, things began to go south with Slugworth when he had me running odd little errands for him–”character building” as he called it.  It started off innocently enough.  I would drop off packages or buy Wonka chocolate and tell him what I thought.  Then they just got strange.  Slashing the tires of Wonka delivery trucks.  Breaking into the Wonka factory at night and jamming the machines with gum.  Lighting a bag of shit on fire on Wonka’s doorstep.  I just didn’t like where he was heading with his teachings.

Awkward Moment…

I was doing inventory in Slugworth’s office one day when I heard a commotion coming from the hallway.  A moment later, two of Slugworth’s goons dragged in a wee man–an Oompa Loompa, as I later found out.

Slugworth: Excellent.  You captured one.  Joe, we’re going to need your help on this one.

**Slugworth puts a revolver in my hand**

Me: What the hell?

Slugworth: Go ahead, Joe.  put one right between his eyes.  Then we’ll saw off his cute head and send it to Wonka as a message.

Me: What kind of message is that??

Slugworth: Don’t fuck with Slugworth!

Me: No, this is crazy.  I can’t do it.

Oompa Loompa: Go ahead, kid.  DO IT!! C’MON!!! C’MONNNN!!! DO ITTTTT!!!  YOU AINT GOT THE GUTS!!!

Slugworth: Do it, Joe.  Afterward we can both do an evil laugh.  You say I never teach you anything, well here’s your chance.  I’ll teach you how to laugh maniacally.

Me: Tempting…but, uh, nah.  I think I’m going to take off…and…ya know…never come back.