“Are YOU A Nice Guy?” A Quiz by Noted Nice Guy Morton Merriweather

It’s a known fact. Girls just don’t like us nice guys. Look at Ducky, for example:

Nicest guy in the world. But who ended up making out with Molly Ringwald in the parking lot after Prom? THIS GUY:

No doubt, it sucks to be us. It sucks real, real hard. But at least we have the self-righteous knowledge that it’s the fact that we are SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL that turns women off. We are the best guys in the world, and if these stupid airheads don’t appreciate every facet of our incredibly complex personalities, that’s their loss, right?

So what defines a real tried and true nice guy? A nice guy enjoys a myriad of conversation topics, such as how girls don’t like nice guys, how nice guys always seem to finish last, and how no one will ever love them enough to make the dull ache of loneliness go away. What kind of woman would reject such a nice guy in favor of some overly-confident tool with a full-time job and his own car? Women are so superficial.

Being the phenomenally kind and generous human being that I am , I’ve devised a helpful quiz below to help you figure out whether or not you’re a legit NG. Good luck! (See what I did there? I’m being nice again! Jeez, I just can’t help myself!)

The Nice Guy Quiz

1a. Do those bitches just overlook you because you’re a good guy?
1b. Come on, really, you can admit it… they do, don’t they?
1c. Doesn’t that just piss you off?

2a. Is that whore (let’s call her Brenda) ignoring you because she’s stuck on some asshole (let’s call him Carl)?
2b. Isn’t Carl’s stupid face too small for his stupid body?
2c. Don’t you just want to watch him die?

3a. Do you cry often?
3b. Shouldn’t Brenda be comforting you as you cry on her front lawn?
3c. Shouldn’t she understand how tortured and special you are, and stroke your hair just like mom used to?
3d. Isn’t mom great?

If you answered “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re TOTALLY nice! Jeez, you’re a great guy. What’s wrong with those whores? Right? We’d treat them like gold if it weren’t for those restraining orders. Ugh. This world we live in makes me sick.

If you did NOT answer “Yes!” to two or more of these questions… you’re probably one of those stupid guys who thinks they’re nice because they’re, like, caring and shit and treat girls well. How’d you get a girl to treat well, huh? How’d that happen? You must have gotten that girl BECAUSE WAY DEEP INSIDE YOU’RE ACTUALLY AN ASSHOLE. WE KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS, BUDDY, AND YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. You make me sick.

If you did not answer “Yes!” to ANY of these questions… someone is probably keying your car right now, you better go check on it. (Ignore any bomb-like devices that you might see strapped to the bottom of the car. Just go stand close to it for the next forty-five seconds.) (I hate you, Carl.)

Hope this was helpful.