Bring Back Choose Your Own Adventure Books!!!

I don’t think there was a genre of book that I loved more than the Choose Your Own Adventure Book (CYOAB)–actually, let me redo that entire sentence…

Eh hem…

I don’t think there’s anything in the entire world (including cheese, but excluding sex) that I love more than a good Choose Your Adventure Book (CYOAB).  How can anything stand up to the CYOAB?  I suppose video games are today’s equivalent, but you’re severely limited by graphics, the game controls, and the lame imagination of the game developer.  In a fist fight, I’d bet that my imagination could brutally murder any game designer’s imagination.  But enough about surrealist second-degree murder.

I’ll admit, sometimes I just wasn’t in the mood to read and instead I just flipped through the book and made up situations to go along with the illustrations.  It was ALWAYS a good time.  Here are some fun covers to keep you occupied–I HIGHLY recommend going down to your local library, ignoring the awkward looks the librarians give you, and checking out some of these books.  Keep in mind that this book series was marketed toward middle schoolers

A poor choice led to this moment and now I must make another choice: death by drowning or death by hobo in a shark costume?

Boy: I don’t understand…I just wanted to get a badass tat to show my grandmother.

Tattoo Artist: Sorry, kid, but you bought the Tattoo of Death!  Next time think twice about approaching a mustachioed man on a peer at 2 a.m. for a freak’n tattoo.  OFF YA GO!

Boy: Wait!  What’s a shark doing in a freshwater lake!?

Sometimes the illustrator just drew whatever the hell they wanted and demanded that the author write a story around their nonsensical drawings

Boy/Girl/Whatever that thing is supposed to be: Gahhhh!  I don’t understand 1980s technology!  What does any of this have to do with a computer!?

Robot: I’m clearly a computer, asshole.  Look, I have a keyboard!

Boy/Girl/Whatever that thing is supposed to be: But what’s that space shuttle have to do with anything?  And who are those villagers!?

Robot:  Your narrow, 1980s mind cannot comprehend the future of computers!  In the future, as early as 2000, computers will come with space planes, angry, spear-throwing villagers and hot air balloons!  Fear the future!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Gotta love the generic 80s boy that goes on most of these adventures

Boy: Jeepers this adventure sure has been fun.

Native American: And it’ll get A LOT more fun as soon as you sniff this bag of hallucinogenic corn!

Boy: Gee, I don’t know…

Native American: Oh c’mon!  Check out your friend.  He’s tap dancing on a log bridge and he’s seeing flying bears and a tree that’s shitting out a yellow orb. Fun fun fun!

Boy: What’s wrong with your face?

Native American: Just don’t let the corn touch your face, kid.  Trust me.

By the looks of this picture, you start off with two broken legs and a pedophile as your only companion. Oh and the title isn't very promising...

Man: Where are you going!?

Boy:  Can’t you read the title, old man?  We’re screwed!  I’m gunna go find a Lite-Brite and some Flintstones Pushpops before I’m killed.  If I’m going out, I’m going out happy! Oh and maybe a Ninja Turtle action figure set, but the Push Pops definitely have priority.

Man: Push Pops?  You’re crazy!  Those things ALWAYS melt all over your hand before you get half-finished!  You’ll never make it, kid!  You hear me?  You’ll never make it!

Boy: That’s a chance I’m willing to take at this point!