Elevators are Awkward

Satan himself designed and implemented the very first elevator.  It’s a historic fact.  He filed the patent on a bitter cold February morning and then cackled wildly as a notary public stamped the approval documents (he then proceeded to buy a mint julep from a street vendor, drank it too fast, fell victim to “brain freeze,” and then took a nap–this is too is documented).

Only Satan could devise a transportation device that forces people into the most awkward and jittery situation imaginable.  Has anyone had a “successful” ride in an elevator?  Is it even possible to ride in one and escape with your dignity in tact?  I submit “no”.  I also submit “no” again and ask that the previous “no” be reprinted in bold wingdings font.  Thank you, your honor.

I’m forced to ride in an elevator on a daily basis at work and after only two weeks I’m begging the security guards in the building to close the damnable machine for good.  Here are a few of the situations that I’ve been put in…

I was Caught Trying to Close the Doors After Someone Yelled to Hold the Doors

Don’t look at me like that.  You would have done the same thing.  I’ll do almost anything to avoid riding in an elevator with a stranger.  Hell, I’ll do anything to avoid riding in an elevator with a friend!!!  I’m stuck in three square feet of space.  We only have less than a minute together.  I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE WEATHER, SPORTS, OR HOW YOU HIT SOMEONE IN THE PARKING LOT AND LEFT A FAKE NOTE.

In this instance, a woman with her hands full of crap (probably drugs or illegal documents judging by her surly manner), yelled out “Hold that door!”  I said, “I’ll try!”  I then jammed my finger on the Door Close button as fast as I could.  The doors shut quickly, but not quick enough.  The woman slid in at the last minute, spilling her things all over the inside of the elevator.  She picked up her things and looked at me.  Verbatim, this is the conversation between us:

Surly Woman: You were pressing the close button, weren’t you?  Don’t lie.  I know you were.  If you REALLY wanted to hold  the doors for me, you would have held your arm out.  There’s something seriously wrong with a person like you.

Me: (As the woman is walking out onto her floor and the doors are closing) Yes, I was.  And I’d do it again if I had the chance.

I Convinced a Cute Girl that I’m Incompetent

So there’s a cute girl that works on my floor.  We’ve made eye contact several times and I’ve even made her laugh several times with quick comments as we’ve passed.  I was ready for an actual conversation.  But then an elevator fucked up everything.  It was first thing on Monday morning and I was really tired, barely paying attention, and a zombie by most definitions of the word.  The elevator was almost full when the cute girl slipped in at the last minute.  I had a whole fucking conversation planned, but I wasn’t ready for her to pop in like that.

I panicked and forgot to press my floor button.  I realized my mistake as we began moving and went to hit the button…but then accidentally hit the Emergency Stop button.  The alarm went off and the elevator screeched to a stop.  We had to wait ten minutes for security to Un-Emergency Stop us.  The entire effing elevator was laughing at me.  To make matters worse, the elevator stopped at a floor before mine and I got off.  Several people in the elevator KNEW I was on the wrong floor–including the girl.  I just walked off, checking my phone and humming an incoherent tune.  I haven’t made eye-contact with the cute girl since.  Thanks a lot, you demon machine!!!

Two Separate People have Started Crying in the Elevator with me.

A guy one time and some woman the other time.  Each time the doors closed and as soon as the elevator started moving the other person started crying hysterically.  I scrunched up against the corner and looked at my shoes.  I checked my phone.  Checked my watch.  Scanned the inspection sticker.  Nope, this crazy person was STILL CRYING.

The second incident was the worse, by far.  We hit SIX FLOORS while she was crying and on each floor someone was about to get in, saw a crazy woman crying, looked at me and then said, “oops, this is going up…I need to uh…go…down.”

Those assholes didn’t need to go down.

Lastly, to drive home my point of the evility of elevators, I have included a letter that John Adams wrote to Thomas Jefferson:

Dear Sir,

At the expense of sounding quite the fool, I’m admitting to you that I have recently fallen down the stairs in my home.  I slipped on my nightgown, tumbled head-over-heels and struck my head on a banister.  So it is with a dizzy head and my wife’s name not entirely certain to me, that I urge you, sir, to you avoid all elevators in this life and the next.  I will be submitting to Congress a bill that will call for the destruction of all Elevators and the immediate hanging of any elevator inventors or salesmen.  It may even behoove me to urge congress to hang the children and cousins of a elevator salesman.  I haven’t decided yet.  Furthermore, when I figure out what the devil an elevator is, I will diddle you a doodle so we may fight this fight together.  TO ARMS, I say!

Your humbly confused servant:

John Adams.