Facebook Friend Spammers

I generally receive a few Facebook spam friend requests every month…or is it week?  I get my spam mixed up sometimes.  Anyway, I get spam friend requests.  I’m not sure if the gals get this crap on Facebook, but I’d say most guys know what I’m talking about.  The situation is this:  a random hot girl will try friending you.  Immediately, many questions fly through your head:  Who the hell is this?  What did I DO last night?  Is she a distant cousin…a very, VERY, distant cousin?  Is she a robot from the future sent to kill me and she’s figured out a far superior way of finding me than T-1000 ever could have hoped?

In college I would just friend the girl, assuming that the previous night of partying had led me to the mythical perfect combination of beer, liquor and charm that allows an average-looking guy to fool a hot girl into “temporarily going steady”.  Although, as my Facebook wall and email box filled to the brim with pornographic spam, I realized that something was up…and by “up” I mean “amiss” and by “something” I mean “the situation”–and YES, I realize that I’m typing this and I should have just deleted the sentence and clarified.  Damn you.

Anywho, I finished about thirty pages of a Hardy Boys book back in middle school, so I consider myself to be a pretty darn good amateur sleuth.  I’ve figured out a fool-proof way to sniff out whether this mystery girl is a genuine potential friend, or merely just a ploy to get your personal information.

1) Is this Girl WAYYYYYYY too Hot to be your Friend???

C’mon, be honest.  And if you’ve somehow finagled a “no” to this questions, ask yourself this next question: are you serving fast food or unlocking a restroom for this girl in your fantasy situation where this hot girl talks to you?  Because those don’t count.  If she’s too hot to be your friend, then I’m afraid this is spam.

2) Does She have UNDER 2,000 Friends?

It’s generally a rule that hot girls are fairly popular.  The hot girls I’ve accidentally become friends with over the years NEVER have under 2,000 friends.  I actually wanted to jack this number up to 10 or 20 thousand, but I have to consider that a hot girl may have just made the switch from MySpace and thus it will take her a few hours to get her friends list back up to snuff.  If this girl has fewer than 2,000 friends, this friend request is most certainly spam.

“But Joe!  Wouldn’t a Spammer have a lot of friends???”

Clearly you’ve never read thirty pages of a Hardy Boys book.  If you had, then you’d be able to understand the mind of a lunatic.  A clever spammer will want to avoid detection by keeping a low friend count.  Not clever enough, I’m afraid.  Good thing for you dim-witted folk that people like me are here to spoon feed you knowledge…delicious, succulent, mouth-watering knowledge.

3) Does She have Nude or Semi-Nude Pictures in Her Pictures Section?  Also, Does She Provide Links to Websites with Nude Pictures?

There’s a part of me that wants to give a girl with these pictures the benefit of the doubt, but that part of me usually finds a way to rob me of my dignity several times a week.  So, I’m going to have to call spam on this one.

4) Is She from a City that rhymes with either Hoss Legas or Pihammy?

From what I remember from those first thirty pages of the Hardy Boys, people in Las Vegas and Miami don’t have friends.  I also remember the book mentioning that if you steal the kneecaps off of a left-handed troll, all of your dreams will come true.  All of them.