I don’t think it takes a creepy uncle to point out that Disney pumped out some very attractive female lead characters.  I’m not sure if most of the writers were men or if the majority of the legion of cartoonists that slaved over all 1 Billion sheets of paper were men, but the women of Disney had the looks to cause dads across America to bring their kids back to the movie theaters for eighth and ninth viewings of these movies.

I recently pondered this trend and what it means for me, a young guy looking to settle down.  And I found out it means–well, nothing, of course–they’re cartoons and I’m man-child.  But, I thought about what it would mean to me if I were a cartoon character or perhaps if I accidentally ingested a kitchen sponge and was magically transported via a psychotic episode to a magical land where I was drawn in 2-D and could hove from Disney movie to Disney movie in a vain attempt to find that special someone.  And I found that…well, most of these relationships would be doomed from the get go.

(*A note from Joe*  Let’s be adults here.  I’m assuming Disney wouldn’t put under-aged women in a position to be married off to a morally-suspect prince with a lazy eye.)

Ranked in no particular order…

Ariel

I'd probably ask her to cut her hair. Let's grow up a little bit and get an adult haircut.

I’m partial to redheads.  And I know what you’re thinking: Joe, she’s half fish–you’re disgusting.  Sorry, my friend, but she gets legs at the end of the movie, so I’m DQd from the bestiality conversation.  I’m a personality guy, so the fact that her father owns the sea isn’t really a big deal to me…actually, nevermind, it is.  He owns the fucking sea.  That’s awesome.

Girlfriend Traits:

1) She’s athletic–Gotta love a girl that stays in shape.  She can kick my ass swimming, but I’m pretty sure I can run faster than her.  She hasn’t had legs for very long, so I’m assuming she eats it often.  I won’t be a dick and laugh at her when she loses her balances and falls on her face due to lack of coordination…okay sometimes I will.  It’ll be hilarious.

2) She Has a Hobby–Yep, she collects shit.  Granted, that shit is everyday crap like forks, plates and brooms, but we’ll have a fun time going over the real names of things and me making fun of her ridiculous attempts to conjure up names.  I think it’s important for a girl to have substance and enjoy continuing her education…even if that education is of things found in a Sesame Street letters book.  Oh and she can sing too.  I can’t really sing, but I’ll never tell her to shut up or anything.  Long car rides will be fun, I assume.

Things Will Probably Go Wrong When…

I eat one of her friends for dinner.  Sorry, but I love seafood.  There’s no chance in hell I’m giving that up.  In fact, having her around will probably remind me of how much I love seafood and I’ll actually eat it more.

A Scene from the Inevitable:

Ariel: Hey, why were you being such a jerk today?

Me: Honestly?  Because you kept breaking into song with the fucking fish at the pet store.

Ariel: So?

Me: So?  So, no one else can hear the goldfish or the parakeets talking.  You sound like a lunatic.

Ariel: Well you didn’t need to be mean to the goldfish.

Me: What?  I told them the truth.  They’re going to be dead in two weeks and a hobo that lives in the sewer is going to eat them.

Ariel: Joe, I really don’t think this is working out…

Me: Can we sleep together one last time?

Jasmine

Don't let the smile fool you...she's a harpy.

“Joe, you’re only picking rich girls”, you say as you munch Cheetos.  Well, I’m sorry if Disney only deals with women that belong to well-to-do families.  Instead of criticizing me, why don’t you applaud me for picking someone with a big nose?  That’s right, her nose is much bigger than most other Disney Character noses.  She is aesthetically flawed and I’m still willing to give a relationship a shot.  See, I’m not shallow.

Girlfriend Traits:

1) Adventurous–How many girls do you know that’ll dress up like a derelict and steal apples for children?  Probably not many.  Just think of all the adventures we could go on!  Like…well, dressing like like derelicts and stealing fruit for children…and…finding genies…and…go carts–she probably loves go carts.  I wouldn’t really foresee boredom rearing its face in this relationship.

2) Owns a Tiger–This really shouldn’t need explaining, but I’ll do it anyway.  She owns a fucking tiger.  It can eat people/things that you disagree with.  It can protect you from other tigers (cartoon tigers only).  Oh and she probably likes Vegas.  Just a hunch.

Things Will Probably Go Wrong When…

I realize that she’s a bitch.  Did you see the way she bosses Aladin around in that movie?  Well, watch it again before you call me an asshole.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like a strong-minded woman.  Nothing wrong with a girl that speaks her mind and such, but watch that movie again and tell me with a straight face that she won’t flip a shit if I mention a “Guy’s Night Out”.

A Scene from the Inevitable:

Jasmine: Are you going to wear that white shirt out again?

Me: Yeah, why?

Jasmine: No, change into something else.

Me: Fine, how about the blue striped shirt instead?

Jasmine: No, that thing is hideous.  Don’t you have anything made of silk or maybe something with some gold on it?

Me: Why don’t I shave your fucking tiger and make a fur coat to wear?  That’ll turn some heads at the club, right?  A tiger-skin coat, a bald tiger and a stupid bitch that never likes anything I do–we’ll be the life of the party!

Jasmine: You’re an asshole, you know that?  You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

Me: Forget it.  I’m done.  This has been hell since day one.

Jasmine: Fine, get out you lazy piece of shit.

Me: I will…but, uh, can we sleep together one last time?

Belle

Great girl...but wide...

There’s something about a girl that doesn’t go for looks that really catches my attention–especially if that girl is good-looking.  Although, she clearly has a thing for VERY large guys.  I think we’ve all met a girl like this–one that only dates meaty guys taller than 6’4.  She also may or may not have a thing for hair, which I’m lacking.  I’d be willing to learn though.  Hopefully that’ll count for something.

Girlfriend Traits:

1)  Bookworm–As a literary man, myself, I love a girl that reads and can converse in a collegiate tone.  Granted, we never really see exactly what she’s reading in the movies, but I don’t think Disney would create a woman that likes to read picture books and recipe collections.   So a girl that doesn’t dwell on looks AND she reads?  Can a girlfriend get any better???  I submit that she cannot.

2) Nonconformist–the hell with the establishment!  No, I’m not one of those dark, indie freaks that threatens suicide when my favorite underground band accidentally lands a song on the radio.  I just like a girl that thinks outside of shopping, reality TV and tiny dogs that fit conveniently inside large purses.  Also, she’s attractive, doesn’t dwell on looks and reads books!  Books!!  With words in them!!  This can’t possibly go wrong!!! Or can it…

Things Will Probably Go Wrong When…

I can’t possibly live up to the uh–erm–”Beastly Member” that occupied the ranch house before me. Stop your snickering.  Beast had the BODY OF A BEAR.  Unless I’m Ron Jeremy (and even he would have trouble stacking up next to a bear), how the hell do I compare?  A hotdog down an empty hallway after that hairy python.

But Joe, the Beast turned human before he got a chance to fool around with Belle.  You’re getting pretty annoying, voice in my head.  And anyway, you have to assume a couple of things:  1)  Just like the show Real World, there were moments that Disney didn’t show (i.e. awkward flirting, drinking the wine that was stored int he basement, nights out at the bar, etc).  2)  Just like the Real World, they probably hooked up off camera.  C’mon, they were locked in that mansion together for most of the movie.  Are you telling me they didn’t experiment?  3)  You have to assume SOME of the beastly qualities transfered when Beast turned human.  Right?  No matter how ya look at it, I’m battling an uphill battle.

A Scene from the Inevitable:

Me: So, yeah, maybe I’ll see ya around.

Belle: Yeah, take care.

Me: Oh and…you should probably see a gynecologist about that.  Because, ya know…it’s…wide.

Belle: Yeah, I’ve thought about it.  Thanks, I will.

Me: Wide.

Belle: Yeah, got it.  Bye.

Me: I’m fine, though, right?

Belle: Yeah, yeah, you’re definitely fine.  I’m just…

Me: Wide…

Belle: Please get out.