The business world is quite different from the everyday flim flam.  There are unwritten rules to follow and that can make holding a steady job difficult because unwritten rules tend to be unwritten–meaning that you’re either not allowed to say them out loud or that they’re a spooky ghost.  If you’re looking for a blog entry about spooky ghost rules for writing emails, go somewhere else.  BUT, if you looking for the unspeakable rules about writing work emails, well, keep readering.

Subject Lines — be concise and lie your ass off

The business world is boring and the last thing a businessy person wants to do is read your stupid email.  Even if you have some sort of fancy shmancy title like CEO or CFO or President of the United States or Murderer of People That Do Not Read My Fucking Emails.  You need to fight their criminal indifference with a subject line that is quick, to the point, and sounds fucking awesome.

Examples:

I’m GIVING AWAY my court-side LAKERS TICKETS

JIM KEYED YOUR CAR–I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

Do you think my wife’s BREASTS are HUGE? PICS INSIDE!!!

Once they’re inside your email–BAM–the first battle is complete.  No matter what’s in your boring email, they HAVE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING.  Because what if I missed the part about the Lakers tickets? What if I missed where that sonofabitch Jim lives? I’ll kill that asshole.

The Greeting — insult or threaten your reader

Dearest Joe, I would love for you to be my bestest friend and read these client reports and bla bla bla DELETE!!!! Hey Joe, So I reaaaally need you to check out these expense reports and bla bla bla DELETE DELETE DESTROY!!! Joe–By 5pm I need you to bla bla bla fuck you for not greeting me like an ADULT!!! DELETE!!! HATE!!

See? You need to grab a readers attention with some meat.  Ya know, some big, tasty steak.  And there’s nothing juicier than a lowbrow insult or a borderline illegal threat.

Examples:

HEY MORON — Not a bad insult, but it should get the job done. Put it in all caps so they can’t ignore it.

I crapped in one of your filing cabinets, Bob — Did you? Bob has no clue unless he reads your stupid email.  And hell, maybe the clue is in the attached expense report. Sorry, Bob, you just got SAAAACKCKKKKKED

You’re an incompetent piece of shit and I recorded you having sex last night. Read this entire email and RESPOND TO IT or I will email the video around the office! — A super duper double whammy.  Why am I a piece of shit? I better find out and–oh snap, you have video of me having sex?? No!  NoooOOOooooooooooocrap I need to read this email AND the attached spreadsheet.

Body — make every other paragraph about aliens, zombies, or pirates

Like I already mentioned, business sucks.  So break up the monotony with something interesting.

Examples:

1) Keller and Fisher have grown by 30% in the 2nd Quarter and are expected to continue their growth with investments in futures and bonds

Zombies are not scared of water and it’s very foolish to think that you can hide from them on a boat or even by just swimming in a large body of water. They will just walk or float out to you and eat your brains

2) It’s Kelly’s birthday on Friday and to celebrate we’re going to be having cake and ice cream in the conference room.

Aliens have ray guns that can disintegrate you or just burn you slightly–it’s really up to the alien and if he’s feeling particularly generous.  You should not make aliens mad because they’ll shoot you with their ray gun.

3) Gang, we’re eating through copy paper.  Remember, DO NOT print unless you absolutely need the documents you’re printing.

I had intercourse with a woman that had a wooden leg. She said Yarg when I dropped her off at her apartment.

Closing — either apologize profusely or burn the bridge with one final threat

At this point, your reader is well-informed and either scared or angry with you.  This is  your last chance to avoid getting fired.  Make it count.

Examples:

I love you…seriously, I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you.

I meant every word I said in this email and you better believe I’m going to be waiting for you in the parking lot after work.

Do you have a wooden leg? Let’s meet up at my place later. We can say Yarg together = )