How to Treat a Hangnail

I’m a nail biter, so I deal with hang nails on a regular basis.  When it comes to hangnails or hangnail problems, you could say that I’m an expert–kinda like the dinosaur expert in the movie Lost World, except that I don’t have a giant beard.  Why am I tooting my own horn, you ask?  Well, I just want to extend my personal services to everyone reading this.

I don’t recommend an untrained person try to tackle a hangnail on their own.  I’ve been fighting hangnails on the front line for close to twenty years now and I know that when it comes to hangnails, you don’t fuck around or someone will wind up dead.  Now, normally my consultation services can run anywhere from $50,000 – $75,000.  But I’ve recently read that hangnail deaths are on the rise nearly 400%, so I figure it’s my duty to at least post some tips.

(If the Discovery Channel or History Channel people have stumbled across this blog, I encourage them to get in contact with me so I can discuss a TV series deal and line up a printer to make T-shirts for the show.  I’m think’n maybe a picture of a pair of nail clippers sodomizing a hangnail or possibly a miniature guillotine chopping off the end of a finger with a hangnail.  I’m kinda married to those two ideas, but I’m sure we could discuss variations.)

Tips for treating a basic hangnail:

1) DO NOT CALL THE POLICE.

The hangnail will want you to contact the authorities because they’ll negotiate a deal.  You don’t want this.  I have much respect for the police, but they’re bumbling idiots and incompetent boobs when it comes to removing a jagged wayward piece of nail and flesh.  Instead, either call a specialist–i.e. me  : ) — or you tell the hangnail to eat shit.  Proceed to step two if you want to see the next sunrise.

2) KEEP THE FINGER WITH THE HANGNAIL IN YOUR POCKET OR POSSIBLY IN A MITTEN OR GLOVE.

This will ensure that when you’re discussing a plan of action that the hangnail will not hear you.  Hangnails are nosy by nature, so you have to be careful when talking around the hangnail.  The last thing you need is to get a solid plan together involving a garden rake or a brass pair of clippers only to have your plan go to shit because the hangnail heard you conspiring.  Hangnails are conniving bastards.  Don’t let them get the drop on you.

3) REFRAIN FROM LICKING OR BITING THE HANGNAIL.  ALSO, DO NOT BUY THE HANGNAIL EXPENSIVE JEWELRY, PERFUMES OR MOVE INTO AN APARTMENT WITH THE HANGNAIL.

This will only cause you to drop your guard.  Also it will make the hangnail wet and difficult to remove.  Hangnails, much like some women, will try to use their looks to deceive and trick you to get what they want.  (Women are also like hangnails for the following reasons: they both will detach from the skin if you bite or pick at them; they hurt when you get rid of them; they smell nice; there’s one out there for everyone–two if you’re lucky)  The hangnail may act all innocent and say, “hey, buddy…hows it going?  I don’t hurt that bad today.  Wanna lick me?  Hmm?  I’ll treat you right if ya give me a lickedy lick lick.”  Ignore the hangnail.   I’ve lost many friends and colleagues to a smooth-talking hangnails.  Don’t follow the same fate they did…

4) TAKE OUT A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY

7/10 times a hangnail removal will result in one or more deaths.  It’s a lousy number, but a realistic one.  You can never let your guard down with hangnails.

5) DRINK WHISKEY

…or any hard alcohol.  Moonshine or grain alcohol would be best.  The drunker you are, the better.  Once you’ve got a savage buzz going, start shouting at the hangnail.  Scream at the hangnail!!  Don’t forget to chug straight alcohol when you’re taking a break to think of new things to shout at the nail.  When you’re nearly blind drunk, commence your plan of action and begin hitting the hangnail with pots, pans or rolling pins (or anything near you).

6) DO NOT STICK YOUR HAND IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL!!!

At this point, you’re shit-faced on some form of illegal or unsafe alcohol.  Don’t forget that the hangnail is attached to your hand, which is attached to your body.  If you cannot feel your hand, then you are too drunk.  Pass out and start the steps over from the beginning.

7) BUY MY BOOK: JOE’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO TREATING HANGNAILS

Amazon has a great deal if you buy it before the end of the month!!!