Never Buy a House In Video-Game Land

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Contemporary Floor-Spikes Are Lovely For Hallways

The worlds of video games are pretty crazy places, full of monsters, machine guns and all sorts of other dangers. That’s why I would figure that people would want nice, safe, normal houses to go into at night after fighting for their lives all day out there in the crazy lands of video games. Whether its the land from Zelda (Hyrule), an apocalyptic earth (most 1st person shooters), or a scary-ass zombie world (LEft 4 Dead), video game lands are full of scary shit.

What gives with the fucking architects in video game land? Can;t they build a decent, safe building to go inside? All the buildings you go inside are full of pits, sliding walls that push you into the pits, fireballs, bouncing things that come out of nowhere to try to kill you (see every nintendo game ever), fireballs, and if you are in a building in Persia, apparently lots of totally unconnected platforms, necessitating the homeowner having to leap, jump, swing, crawl and cling to get around. Why not just put in a damned rope bridge? Or connect the plaforms.

It seems like whatever school of architecture there is in these lands is purposely teaching its students several things:

1) Every room must have a precarious, perilous edge. Preferably next to the house plants.

2)  Rock walkways must crumble away underfoot when walked upon. Disposable paths are fashionable.

3) Interiors should feature a bottomless abyss as their focal point. This is Feng Shui friendly.

4) Ceilings are best high or non-existent. If there has to be a ceiling, it should be threatening, either crushing occupants or releasing dangerous spores and monsters when the occupant least expects it.

5) When the occupant walks down the hall, say from their livingroom to the bathroom during a TV show commercial, big fucking SPIKES will pop out of the floor and impale them. Every house should have a surprise like this for unwary guests and forgetful homeowners alike.

So, seriously, what kind of architecture school would this be? The denizens of these lands go home to greater danger than when they’re being shot at or attacked by demon-beasts outdoors. At least outside they EXPECT to be killed.

One final note: in all my gaming I am yet to see a single bedroom, bedchamber, whatever you want to call it. Don’t the people in these lands sleep? Or did the architects just forget to put these into every abode, no matter whether a grand castle, a cavernous dungeon lair, or a humble necromancer’s home. Or maybe it’s just too fucking dangerous to ever close your eyes and go to sleep in these countries.

Bottom line,  if you are a skilled architect, PLEASE, move into a video-game land. They need you.