Perfect Birthday Gift Ideas

My birthday is coming up, and while I was putting together my 10,000 page Birthday Gift Manifesto, I realized that many of things that I demand–er–want–are things that any sane individual would LOVE to have.  So for those of you out there looking for last minute gift ideas for me, or anyone named Joe, here are some ideas.

Mark Summers

No, not as some sort of deranged slave.  I would love to have Mark Summers host the entirety of my birthday like the obstacle course from Family Double Dare.  I want the whole deal going on–the crowd cheering as I cut myself shaving, the music blaring while I eat my turkey sandwich at the office, and then Mark Summers screaming that time is running out while I’m debating whether or not to wear the same underwear to work the next day.  This would easily make for the best birthday EVAH.

Relive Groundhog Day a Few Thousand Times

Some might say that Bill Murray’s character was in hell during that movie.  And while I’m inclined to agree, I would most definitely make better use of my time while damned to relive the same lame holiday over and over again.  First off, did Bill Murray’s character have any REAL fun in that movie?  Any at all???  No.  All I’m saying is that I want the chance to memorize a day’s events and then dress up like an elf and scare the hell out of town folk with my knowledge.  There’s no way that would get old.  Also, I would do other fun things like unscrew shelves at a Walmart and learn how to juggle old ladies.  I’m not sure how someone could give me this particular gift, but if it happened, it would definitely be the best birthday EVAH.

A Solid Gold Toilet

I’m almost certain I would never pawn it for cash.  But I can’t think of too many things that would lift my spirits like a duke on a toilet made of gold.  Having a bad day?  Awww, well cheer up, big guy.  You’re sitting on a gold toilet!!  Life can’t be all that bad, right!?  Girlfriend dump you?  Awww, sooooo sad.  But keep that chin up, skippy–you’re dropping soiled toilet paper into a solid gold toilet!!  Huzzah!  Life just got a hell of a lot better!  Owe well over $750,000 in back taxes?  Stop your crying, Forgetty McForgetfulson–you’re perched upon a throne made of solid gooooolllllldddd!!  Now finish up that number two and drag that sucker to the pawn shop!  A solid gold toilet would easily be the best present EVAH.

Benevolent Underwear

He’d be like a little buddy that’s always there for ya.  Cheer’n me up when I’m down, listening to my joke ideas, and giving me surprise presents just for the hell of it.

Underwear: Hey Joe…why the long face?

Me: Huh?  Oh, well…I went to Target and they didn’t have the toothpaste that I like in stock.  Kinda bummed.

Underwear:  Well turn that frown upside down, mister.  I’ve got a present for ya!

Me: Wow!!  A solid gold toilet!!  You’re the best pair of underwear a guy could ask for Undie!

Underwear: We’ll always be friends, Joe.  Always.

Me: This is the best birthday EVAH!