Sexy Personality Traits I Hope are Sexy…

I Screech Like a Little Girl When I Touch a Wet Sponge

It’s cold and it’s wet.  Very understandable, in my opinion.  It’s like a natural alarm to something that’s just not right.  Look at it this way: if I react this way to something as trivial as a sponge, imagine the benefits for things that are actually dangerous!  If a burglar were to break into our apartment, you can bet all of your Sacajawea dollars that I’d screech.  Now, whether or not I’ll jump out the window and leave my girlfriend to fend for herself is another question altogether–a non-sponge-related question that I’ll have to duck at this time.

Best-Case Scenario:

Girlfriend: Honey, are you okay?  I heard you screech like a little girl.

Me: Yeah, I just touched this cold, wet sponge and it scared the hell out of me.  I usually don’t cry, but this time I am, so please look away.

Girlfriend: You know how that turns me on.

Me: I…uh…okay…

I Can’t Grow a Mustache…Yet…

…yet.  For some ridiculous reason, I can grow a full beard, mutton chops, goatee, and freak neck hair, but my damned upper lip refuses to sprout any sort of hair.  Now, some may say that I’m not a man and if I were ever to be attacked by a bear I’d surely be killed.  But to that I say “Give me time!”  It’ll grow eventually.  And when it does, I’ll grow a walrus mustache, buy an elephant gun and hunt big game in a jungle.  ”Har har!” I’ll yell as I kill an endangered species, light a cigar and leave the carcass to rot and be scooped up by an environmentalist group!  Fear my facial hair!

Best-Case Scenario:

Girlfriend: Honey, did you just shave?  It’s ten o’clock at night.

Me: No, I can’t grow hair on my upper lip yet.  You know that.  I usually don’t cry when you point that out, but I’ve had a rough day.  Excuse me, I need to get some tissues.

Girlfriend: You can’t grow a mustache?  You know how that turns me on…

Me: I…uh…okay…

I Brush My Teeth in the Shower

I cang understang why no one else does this!  Stop judging me and think about it.  While the conditioner is doing its work, instead of just standing there like an idiot singing Donna Summers hits, you can be productive and wash your teeth!  And there’s something eerily satisfying about spitting on the ground.  I’m an adult, damn it, and I’m going to spit on my feet!  Ha!  Take THAT society!  I multi-task, so therefore I’m competent, so therefore I am awesome.

Best-Case Scenario:

Girlfriend: Honey, what’s all that brushing noise coming from the shower?

Me: Huh?  What?  Oh, I’m brushing my teeth in the shower.  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before.  Well that’s odd, I’ve started to cry for some reason–possibly out of embarrassment.  I suppose this is convenient.  My tears will wash right down the drain.

Girlfriend: You brush your teeth in the shower?  That’s hot.  I’m coming in there with you.

Me: I…uh…okay.  You probably should give me a sec so you don’t step on my spittled toothpaste.

I Cajole People into Boring Conversations While Half-Asleep

Daily, between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7 a.m., I half wake up and will harass whomever is nearby with diddly little questions.  Beware if you’re passing by my room, because I’ll ask you what time it is five or six times.  I’ll then ask you what the weather is like with no intention of listening to you.  From there, I’ll ask you what’s up and then ignore your response!  Honestly, I can’t see why this is a bad thing.  I like to know how people are doing and this trait applies when I’m asleep as well.  I think an attentive boyfriend should enjoy casual conversation.  I just happen to get it all out of the way while asleep.

Best-Case Scenario:

Me: Hey, um, babe, why am I all sweaty?  And why are you naked and grinning at me?  It’s six in the morning.

Girlfriend: You kept asking me what time it is and how the weather is outside.  You know that empty smalltalk turns me on.

Me: I…uh…wait, did we have sex?  Was I asleep while we had sex?  Oh God, now I’m crying.

I Talk to Inanimate Objects So They Don’t Get Lonely

What if the movie Toy Story was, in fact, an accurate representation of reality?  I fully believe this.  I’ll use stuff that I have no need to use, I”ll talk to furniture that’s in rooms that don’t get used often, and I’ll praise stuff that helps me.  You saw the movie, so don’t play stupid.  And you also know that your stuff will randomly go missing when you know full well that you always put your stuff back to it’s proper place and there’s absolutely no reason for it to be on the other side of the house.  Now, ladies, you know this is attractive.  I’m being a protective boyfriend.  If I didn’t talk to your hair dryer from time to time, it would get pissy and try to mount an offensive with the kitchen utensils and the gardening tools.

Best-Case Scenario:

Girlfriend: Honey, did you just say goodnight to the lamp?

Me: Um, yeah.  I haven’t used it all week and I thought it was getting a little lonely.

Girlfriend: That’s so cute that you think the lamp is alive.  It’s also really hot.

Me: I had a feeling you’d think so.

Girlfriend: Hey…let’s have some fun.  Oh and let’s use the blender.  It looks like it could use some attention.

Me: The blender!?  Well, I can’t say I didn’t have this coming…