What I’ll Miss Most About the Winter Olympics

Watching Figure Skating Alone in the Dark on a Saturday Night

There’s nothing like settling in on a Saturday night, drinking 16 or 17 beers and watching people twirl around on the ice.  And I love weeping silently to myself after a really powerful dance move that coincides with the swelling of music.  So graceful.  So…petite.

Cool Runnings Quotes

Remember that movie?  Cool Runnings?  Well for a two week span, you were forced to listen to my criminally pathetic attempt at a Jamaican accent.  You also had to listen to me absolutely BUTCHER quotes from the movie.  Now that the Winter Olympics have come and gone, you have permission to slap and or punch me when when I break into the Jamaican bobsled song…a song with words that I can’t be bothered to look up.

The 5 Second Span Where My Friends and I Thought our Curling Yelling was Funny.

WHOA!! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Hahaha, that was hilarious.  WHOA! Ha…not so much now though…

Realizing, Along with Other College Graduates, That I Honestly Don’t Know the Difference Between Great Britain and the UK…

Ok…so…they’re both similar, right?  I think Great Britain is part of the UK…or something…but what’s the difference?  And why the hell do a collection of countries get to compete together?  That’s kinda lame.  Can’t Scotland Whales and Northern Ireland compete for their own medals?  Or do they?  Wait, are Scotland Whales and Northern Ireland countries?  Ya never really hear about them.  I feel stupid.  I swear I’m smart…at least that’s what I tell people…

Daydreaming about Winning a Medal in an Unusual Way

I honestly have played through this scenario a few times in the past week:

I competed in the biathlon and did okay.  I didn’t come anywhere close to winning, or so I thought.  Months later, I’m unemployed, sitting in my kitchen in my mobile home (somewhere in Florida) opening my mail.  I come across a letter from the IOC.  The letter says that the entire Norwegian, Swedish and Finish teams were disqualified in the biathlon for using bullets that weren’t sanctioned by the IOC and using experimental screws in their skies that were banned the previous year.  So, after 38 people were DQd, I, by default, came in third and won a bronze medal.  I silently say, “What the hell?” to myself in my dimly lit, shitty home.  A week later my bronze medal is mailed to me and it clearly has been damaged–damage that occurred when the IOC had to forcibly take the medal from its previous owner in a police shootout.  I put the medal in my sock drawer for a week until I pawn it for cash–cash that I use to buy dish soap.

Eating Ham Straight Out of the Deli Bag

*Joe stuffs a fist-full of ham into his mouth*  ”WAHOOOOO!!!  OLYMPICS!!!!”