The first thing you need to understand about me is that I’m structure boy. You people can all go have fun with your “characterization” and your “jokes” and and your “flourishes of spectacle” and all those other ingredients that go into a great comedy. I care about the plot having the right shape, and everything tying nicely into a satisfying bow.

So “Blue Cheese” was a stretch for me. It was an experiment with absurdism, a place I almost never go. And I’ll be honest: I never wanted to write this sketch. But the thing is, when you’re the showrunner (that word always feels too grand for the scope of what we do, but it’s the most apt for my role with Brevity) you often get into these times when you can’t do enough writing because you’re too busy producing. And it had been the end of a long one like that for me, so I promised myself I would get up early on the day of our meeting and make sure I had four new sketches to present. Well, twenty minutes till meeting time, I had three. Knowing I could never finish another, I gave myself permission to doodle this strange little semi-poem.

And I didn’t really love it, and I wasn’t really confident in it. And the writers’ table ate it up. So we presented it to the whole group, and the whole group really liked it. And I’m like, seriously people? You have to like the stuff I slave away hard on. You can’t like the stuff I just sort of spew onto the page. Oh well… along came uber-producer Claudia Perea, and the omnitalented Meghan Brown to direct, and the omnitalented Mike James to shoot, and of course our awesome actors… so now we have this catchy little piece that everyone seems to like. It grows on me every time I see it. I LOLed the cat images, and I couldn’t be happier with “Sad Face, Sad Face, Sad Face, Grah.” I hope it becomes a new international idiom.

If anyone asks, I took days and days to get it just right… Especially the structure.

We’re all aware that there about a hundred or so scenes in horror movies where we just want to leap out of our seats and warn the main characters.  But if you pay attention, these scenes exist in almost every singe movie, regardless of the genre.  I kind of wish I had some sort of machine to transport myself inside of a movie and warn the characters about something.  Maybe not something HUGE, but maybe something that would make life easier later in the movie.  Here are a few movies where I would readily abuse such a hypothetical machine:

Titanic –first scene with the deep sea research crew

*Joe barges into the cabin where the old lady is about to tell her story*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Stop right there, you old hag.

Ship Captain: And just who the hell are you?

*Joe reaches into the old lady’s pocket and pulls out the diamond*

Joe: No time for explanations.  This wench had the diamond you were looking for the entire time.  AND she was planning on throwing it into the ocean.

Ship Captain: This sounds like treason on the high seas.  Per Poseidon’s wishes, we MUST follow the laws of the sea.  THROW THE OLD LADY INTO THE OCEAN!

Crew: YARGHHHHH!!!!

*Joe helps the crew toss the old lady overboard and the credits to the movie roll*

Pretty Woman — any of the opening scenes with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts

Richard Gere: Bla bla bla, something something, banter, banter

Julia Roberts: Hahahahaha, bla bla, bla

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Stop.  Stop.  Richard, you’re going to fall in love with this whore.

Richard Gere: Oh NooooOOOOOoooooOOoooo!!!

*Richard Gere hysterically runs off down the road.  The credits roll as he’s beaten to a pulp by a local gang*

As Good As It Gets — “Is this as good as it gets?” scene

Jack Nicholson: What if…what if this is as good as it gets?

*POOF, Joe appears in the movie*

Joe: Hey, Jack.  Yes, this is as good as it gets.  Helen Hunt is as good as it gets.

*Jack Nicholson considers this for roughly three seconds before pulling out a gun and blowing his brains out.  Joe sits down at a local booth and orders lunch.  He leaves a lousy tip for Helen Hunt*

As my friend group’s sole consistently-attached woman, I’d spent the last five years quietly nursing the idea that I was being creatively stifled by the complacency of being in a decent relationship. My single friends seemed to get all the good material: hilariously awkward blind dates, dramatic break-ups, scintillating sexual encounters with strangers, and general frustration at the Darwinian mess that is dating in LA. My material, on the other hand, involved lots of cuddling, and arguing over whether or not to get the $7.25 special at Palermo again. Because shouldn’t we at least try something different?

Turns out “something different” can also mean “something awful”. Recently reintroduced to the world of the not-romantically-ecstatic, the blinding agony came with one very thing silver lining. At least, I thought, I can use this in my writing.

Turns out, I’m an idiot.

Here’s why:

1. I Can’t Stop Crying

Have you ever tried writing while crying? It looks stupid. I imagined writing with a broken heart to involve a lot of wistful staring and meaningful long blinks with early-millennial Dido songs playing softly in the background. Instead I sob like a red-faced infant and watch old Law & Order: SVU episodes while attempting to keep my computer away from all the tears and snot emitting from my face.

2. Everything I Write is Boring and Also Terrible

He had seven freckles. The third one was my favorite.
-Actual Line From Deleted Blog Post

Here’s the deal. I currently have a one-track mind. I think of one thing. And that thing that I’m thinking about is of no interest to anyone else on the planet. Well. Except for maybe one other person. Do you think he’s thinking these things too? Maybe I should call him. I should call him. He’s probably really sad. I should try and make him feel better. Maybe we could go to Palermo? That $7.25 special is a good deal… OH DAMN IT IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. There are now zero people reading this post.

3. I Cannot Be Left Alone

Writing is a solitary pursuit. I cannot be left alone. A paradox.

4. I Have Verbal You-Know-What. And It Is DARK.

OK. So. If I can get over the foolishness of crying while writing, the fact that everything emitting from my ragged brain is boring and also terrible, and somehow navigate the mind-numbing awfulness of being all by myself… I still have to deal with the consequences of opening the floodgates. And once they’re open… they’re open. They’re open and they are crazy.

And don’t try and tell me that this whole thing is no big deal and it’s all going to be OK. Because you know what, Internet? Not everyone turns out OK. So could we stop pretending that the phrase “It’s gonna be all right” is in any way helpful? Because it’s not. Plenty of people die alone, plenty of people have ungrateful, wretched children and empty, soul-crushing jobs and mountains of debt and I’m sorry: that’s NOT “OK.” Or if it is? If that’s what OK means? I don’t want it. So stop telling me that things are going to be fine when there is absolutely nothing fine about it. Sometimes your boyfriend moves away while you’re out of town for work and you don’t even get to say goodbye. Sometimes you have to give up that perfect one-bedroom on Franklin and Vermont because now you don’t have anyone to share it with. AND THAT IS NOT OK, INTERNET. So stop telling me that this is all going to work out and be fine. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WHY AREN’T I WRITING A NOVEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS? THE LEAST FATE CAN DO IS HELP ME WRITE A NOVEL. #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS.

5. Did I Mention I Can’t Stop Crying?

Here we go again.

See you all in a year or so, when I can behave like a normal person.

Wow. Some nice work from the FunnyOrDie team.

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Wow. If only all women were selective this way. Darwinism would up our collective IQ in only a few generations.

Here’s a repost, to keep you up on the happenings in brevityTV land:

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FEATURING SKETCH COMEDY FROM OTHER FUNNY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET!

I’m so excited about this!

At brevityTV.com we love sketch comedy. As much as we are working on a few series for the for the future, we have our hearts in sketch. I grew up watching Monty Python’s, SNL, Kid’s in the Hall, The State, In Living Color… the list goes on. Now I have the opportunity to share with you some of the best sketch comedy I have found on youtube. You may recognize some of the videos, especially if you’re into watching funny videos on the web, and I’m hoping that I’ll shine a little light on more obscure talent in the web-comedy space. Feel free to comment and let me know if there’s a sketch I should put up. I’m always interested in watching a video that will make me laugh!

Claudia

That’s for ruining Airbender.