If My Life Was a Screenplay…

I have to hand it to the Big Guy up stairs.  He really knows how to write a good story.  My life has it all: action, drama and comedy.  It’s like a summer blockbuster that stars an unknown lead, but has a handful of veterans to hold it together–despite the fact that the veterans are bitter about not landing the lead role and they ignore me on set, throw their garbage into my trailer and call me a “half-aborted ginger” between takes.  In fact, a few years ago a person that may or may not have been Bruce Willis told me that I rolled the worst sushi he’s ever had the misfortune of eating.  So even Bruce Willis (or a damn good lookalike) managed to finagle his way into my movie.  I’m kinda honored.

Anyway, I have a feeling that the first major plot point of my life is about to happen or may have recently just happened, so there’s a real powerful scene coming up.  Like any movie-goer that smuggles in his own food and leaves the garbage on the floor for the staff to pick up, I have my theories as to what may happen next in my life.  Singing alien clowns seems too predictable, so I’ve made a list of a few things that could be coming up.  Here are a few.

I Befriend a Talking Dog and Cat and Stop a Serial Killer

While Joe is walking through the forest, pondering his life and the man he is becoming, he stumbles upon a stray dog named Coach and a stray cat named Boots McBorlan (or Booty Mc B, as she prefers to be called).  Coach is a loaner, but found Booty Mc B to be the perfect companion.  Meanwhile, Boots McBorlan is a retired actress-cat that was looking for adventure when she met Coach.  She’s got a real sass-mouth, but is a sweeter than a Lemon Warhead.

Joe walks with the hairy, bickering couple and comes across a small mining town that is paralyzed with fear due to a string of recent murders.  Booty Mc B and I want to continue through town, but Coach smells something afoot.  We stay and get caught up in a dangerous game of cat and mouse–but luckily, that’s a game that’s right up Booty Mc B’s alley.  Eventually, we find the killer, a grizzled ex-cop that went crazy after being shot in the face while stopping Dairy Queen robbery, and corner him at a damn.  Instead of surrendering himself to our custody, he jumps off the dam, possibly being crushed on the rocks below…or…possibly living to reappear in Joe’s life at another plot point.

Final Scene:

Me: Well, that should wrap things up here.  I don’t think we’ll be seeing old Mr. Whilhelm again.

Coach: You’re a DAM good friend Joe.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Ohhhhhhhhhh, Coach.  What will I ever do without you and Boots McBorlan?

Boots McBorlan: If you call me Boots McBorlan one more time, I’m going to shit in your fucking mouth!!!  Do you hear me, asshole!?!?!?.  CALL ME BOOTY MC B, DAMNIT!!!

Me: Booty Mc B, you so cwaaaaaaazyyyy.

Joe Meets the Girl of His Dreams but Finds Out She is a WereGator (Half Werewolf, Half Alligator)

Struggling to find a job and make end’s meet, Joe takes a job as a dock worker.  Surprisingly, there’s a cute girl that also works there named Samantha Doggins–but she’s tough like old meat and has the mouth of a smarmy hobo.  The two instantly hate each other.  Samantha hates Joe because his quick wit often embarrasses her in front of the other workers and he’s so educated.  Joe hates Samantha because she treats him like shit–oh and she also pushed him off the dock and into the water, nearly killing him, but luckily the lovable 60ish foreman jumped in and saved Joe’s life.

As the months fly by, the two learn they have more in common than it may seem.  Also, many of their co-workers are being found the morning of their shift horribly mangled and eaten.  Joe finally works up the courage to ask Samantha out on a date and the two realize that they’re perfect for each other.  But then Joe’s dog and best friend are found eaten and mangled shortly after this happens.

Eventually, Joe realizes that his girlfriend is a half werewolf half alligator that transforms every full moon to kill and feed on the blood of humans.  Joe figures that a soul mate is tough to come by and decides to ignore the fact that Samantha is technically a serial killer and a freak of nature.  It’s not meant to be, though.  The police soon discover her true identity and, after a daring car chase, corner her at the old mill and kill her with bullets made of George Washington’s bone marrow–the only known way to kill a weregator.

Final Scene:

Police Chief: I’m sorry, Joe, but…your girlfriend is dead.  We had to kill her.

Me: NooooOOoOOoooo!!!  I’m not sure if I’ll ever be the same again.  Please, officer, how did you kill her?  I didn’t think there was a way to stop a weregator.

Police Chief: We had to use bullets made from George Washington’s bone marrow.  You see, George Washington knew of the weregator all too well.  His wife was a weregator, Benjamin Franklin was a weregator, and John Adams was a weregator.

Me: Golly…really?

Police Chief: Yes.  He chopped off his left arm and used the bone marrow to make bullets and killed all three.  He replaced them with dummies made of pillows and feathers to fool the people, of course.  And on his death bed, he had his sons hurl him into a bone marrow extractor so more bullets could be made.  They’re stored in the Smithsonian and are used during extreme circumstances.

Me: Oh…well…I guess that explains that…

Joe Discovers a Human Skeleton in his Chimney Dressed in Santa Claus Garb.

Joe hires a professional chimney sweep to clean the chimney in his house.  After a few hours, the chimney sweep (who has a cockney accent, for no damn reason at all) pulls out a human skeleton dressed in Santa Claus clothes.

The police are called and they can’t determine if the remains are of Chris Kringle or just a derelict that tried breaking into the home many years ago.  The NSA is called and it’s determined that it’s in the world’s best interest never to let anyone know that Santa Claus may or may not be dead.  Joe is paid a handsome sum to keep his mouth shut.

Unfortunately, Joe loses all the money in a heads up poker game against George Foreman.

Final Scene:

George Foreman: I’ve got a straight flush, Joe.  What do you got?

Me: Ace high.  Shit, I’m not very good at Five Card Stud.  Can we start over and play Texas Hold ‘Em?

George Foreman: No, no we can’t, Joe.  You lost and I get all of your money.  Also, you didn’t have enough money to cover the final bet, so to make us square you have to legally change your name to George.

Me: Aw nuts…