If The Girl In Front Of Me At The Clippers Game Had Her Own Advice Column

Dear  Amber,

I’m 25 years old, single, unemployed, and depressed. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. At the end of the month, I’m going to be evicted from my apartment and will be effectively homeless. All of my friends from college have abandoned me, and I’m starting to exude a particularly pungent body odor. I often feel like the world would be a better place if I’d never been born. What resources can you suggest to help me turn my life around?

–Sad and Depressed
North Hollywood, CA

Dear SAD,

I seriously cannot eat any more protein. Like, I’m trying to eat these protein bars? Right? And I can get through, like, two bites before it’s just… waaaaaaaaaaaay too much protein! My boyfriend ordered me a salad with steak on it, I took two bites and told him that I felt like I was giving Ironman a blowjob. He apparently didn’t get the joke. Maybe protein interferes with your sense of humor? Hahaha.

*

Dear Amber,

I recently became a member of a progressive church, and have been delighted to see my faith start to take priority in my life! The members of my congregation have been incredibly kind and welcoming, but I sometimes question the methods of Ultimate GrandMaster _______. I was fine with the animal sacrifices, blood-drinking, and suicide pact (2012, baby!), but recently he’s started asking me to “lie with him” and several other elderly males in the congregation in order for the Alien Spirit Zudzu to implant me with his baby-juice. This, frankly, seems like a little much. Am I just being oversensitive?

–Would Rather Not Be Preggers, Please
Vista, CA

Dear WRNBPP,

So many of my friends talk about going to Katsuya… and I’m like, ugh. I seriously cannot even begin thinking about it. All that food on all those plates? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Blegh. Brrrrrrrrr. Oh God, I’m thinking about it again–I’m going to friggin throw up, I’m going to vomit, I’m seriously not even joking my guts are on the floor.

*

Dear Amber,

Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend having sex in our apartment. I was understandably devastated, and moved out immediately. The trouble is, I’d come to rely on my best friend for a lot in the kitchen (she’s a cheese grater). Last night I tried making pizza without her, and I just didn’t even know where to start. Is it stupid of me to open myself up to getting hurt again by reaching out for her friendship (and MAD shredding skills)?

–Bitch Grated My Soul
Quartz Hill, CA

Dear BGMS,

A few days ago my best friends and I took these really adorable pictures in a photo booth, and couldn’t decide how to split them up. Three of us were dividing four pictures, and I only got one. My fat friend got two. It’s like… Just because you take up 50% of the space doesn’t mean you get 50% of the pictures! Then she wanted to go to Chili’s, and I was so embarrassed for her I thought I might jokingly kill myself. She said she was hungry. Well cue the tiny violins! Friendship is hard.